Woke up at 6am to, what else, gym.
M & Daddy happened to be leaving for Hong Kong early in the morning as well, for my grandfather's birthday this month, so I caught my mom before she was gone. Dad no surprises was still sleeping.
I ran a little under 4km, did a usual deadlift set and experimented with several on-the-spot ab exercises.
Went to work and had my overnight oats...I think I've lived for 18 years to discover this magical breakfast pot of goodness.
Ran the morning report, ate Subway with my boss who exclaimed "I am a fan of Subway!". Ran the afternoon report.
I opened up my fourth moleskine journal, a beautiful nude-khaki book. I continued the tradition of sticking these expensive flower stickers I bought impulsively that day Daddy treated me to a posh cafe date.
I left work and went to Nex for a couple of errands: replace specs nosepiece, pick up groceries, have a frustrating Carousell meetup.
Went home for a late dinner consisting of leftovers that M specially made extra for, last night.
I made a batch of roasted vegetables, and Em and I's next morning breakfasts. Read a little bit of The Forgotten Girls, and fell asleep.
So Results Day has come and gone.
Prior to yesterday I was slightly amused at how everyone was calling it just that- 'Results Day', like it's an event in its own right, which I suppose is pretty accurate as it was probably even more important than Christmas to some people. (Preposterous. Nothing beats Christmas in my books. I might not look it, but I am a Christmas hoe.)
It felt almost exactly like O Levels results release. I was about to explode the short half an hour trip from office to school from the pent up nervous energy, as corporate protocol insists one cannot have a full on emotional breakdown within one's cubicle. The one major difference was that this time, I hadn't built myself up with airy hopes and dreams. Vague notions of scoring 6 points and swanning off to an IB school. I knew I had worked hard and I thought that was enough. Turns out it just wasn't in His plan.
For this second major milestone, my expectations were way more tempered. Dialed down to almost zero. I didn't bother calculating my predicted rank points once, simply imagined the worst set of grades that could reasonably land on my report slip, and tried to marinate in those letters until I became comfortable with it.
The mental preparation didn't stop me from wishing, with all my heart, that I would get called up on stage for getting 5 distinctions.
Even though I knew that wouldn't happen. Not in this lifetime. And it was a little sad, but in the end, it is okay. It's taken me a long while to admit that maybe I'm not academically inclined. I'm not a genius, or all that good at studies. I have my moments- sporadically. When it comes down to it, I'm truly rather average. Normal. That word used to pain me. Not anymore.
The prayer meeting held beforehand really helped to shift my perspective and lift my eyes to the undeniable truth that my value is not in what I score. My value is not born from anything on this earth. My value, and yours, is determined by God alone. Janice said, minutes before the big reveal, God doesn't care about who you are. She eloquently puts it, 'It's not about personal achievements, intellect, maturity, wisdom, relationships with people. It's not even about getting myself together and being okay. It's about being in a relationship with Him and seeking Him. This is what God expects of me- surrender.'
Being able to look at what I got and not associate that to any inch of my self worth, is nothing short of amazing. And I wish I could tell that to everyone who didn't do as well as they'd liked, and those who did brilliantly. You are still so worthy. You are still so great, and so loved, because you have such a great and loving God behind you.
ABBC (AA). Another chapter of my life closed.
If you know me, you'll be familiar with the fact that I am definitely a morning person. I love both the active and lazy starts: hitting the gym before the sun rises, or watching it float slowly while eating my toast, or even observing it on the way to school in bus 74. It's an illumination and it happens every day. That is the coolest thing.
What I never mention is that on a lot of the days I actually wake up with my heart pounding for absolutely no reason. I'm not sure, but it's probably a manifestation of my intangible anxiety that surfaces only in certain, unpredictable circumstances. I don't understand it myself- I can be completely unashamed at something and turn an internal shade of tomato at others, be reduced to tears or shakiness.
One of my uncontrollable anxieties is that of being late. I suspect it may have started the day I was almost late for the Lit O levels, and maybe I was traumatised ever since, because now I wake up, to the alarm, with my heart racing, just like I did on days of school where I wasn't up at 4am to rush out homework. It's like a touch of senseless panic that fades away when I realize thankfully there's still time. I've even had that on weekends before when there isn't any compulsory deadline to meet and somewhere to be by so-and-so time.
A little unpleasant. Anyway, the past two mornings for me have been like that: anxious. On Tuesday morning I got up dark and early as usual for a spot of exercise, but realized to my horror that there were 2 cystic zits on my chin. (Sha, I didn't tell you this because it sounds so foolish out loud.) And if being late is one of my triggers, you could say that having acne is my number one Public Enemy, Sound the Alarms Because Lydia is Freaking Out, kind of insecurity. I felt so stressed about them that I needed to take a breather and just 'lax. I sat back in bed. Read the Bible. Ate brekkie nice and slow.
This morning, I was up later than scheduled. Plus, the acne had gotten bigger and more painful overnight, which made me feel mega worse. Then, I forgot to take my pouch and was forced to walk back to retrieve it, so I was like 15 minutes late to work. Two of my nightmares coming true.
At least, I've come a long way from before. I know when to give myself a break- and make up for it later. I'm more rational, less forgetful in a rush (ignoring today's accident!): change, pack breakfast, don't forget to put moisturizer. Skin wise, I try my best to not shrink into a shell when acne pokes its ugly, horrible head around. People like @prettyprogress23 and @myfacestory are a huge encouragement in this respect.
One day, I really hope to be over these two anxieties. One day soon; one step at a time.
I've been finding it hard to summarise the latest in a neat condensed blog post, but here it is: hopefully my last attempt.
January has been the month of a lot of firsts, which I have a thing for, and it's quite exciting. Obviously, I am working my first real job ever, courtesy of Recruitexpress, though I like to think I would have gotten a job on my own- maybe not in an office position as cushy as this, but in a suitable role elsewhere. At least I know Carl's Jr would have taken me as a full part timer, and for the non-existence of that reality I'm quite grateful.
It's kind of funny to me how I get paid to do two very opposite things, as if already polar opposites can be ascribed with a degree. During the weekday, I plant my growing bottom on a spinny chair and gaze at two screens (that's right, TWO, there's a huge monitor as well as a company computer), basically whiling away on Excel. On most weekends, I pop over to the greasiest fast-food joint known to man and bus tables, which is code for pick up disgusting food bits, try to smile to diners, and manage the till. Occasionally I chop vegetables in their kitchen. I do this for the sake of my expanding shopping list, which includes overseas travelling as well as a brand new phone. You might know that these are rather expensive items, and part of becoming an adult means you start paying for your own expenses.
In between the hours of hustling, I've started exercising in the morning, either heading out to run in the fresh, fresh morning hours when the world hasn't quite woken up; or pumping some iron in the gym which very luckily opens at 6am. I miss my Garagecircuit classes, but it's an occupational hazard- some things had to be sacrificed for the 8.45am office call. But I've surprisingly loved getting up early to fit a little exercise in. I am a confirmed morning person, with the cold a.m. air and its dark blue skies, it always gets me, and when I'm puffing along the big field out back I feel as though I am really alive.
Another development in the midst of this new routine is meeting up with friends for nighttime sojourns. I now do social dinners in an unprecedented amount because usually dinner means at home, with family. The evening meal has taken on another meaning, which is pretty fun. It also makes me have something to look forward to during the week, so if you are one of those people I've been out with: you know I was thinking about it the entire day and was very excited for it. One of these included visiting Jaimie at Dopa Dopa, where she works, which was lovely. Going out for desert! At a cute ice cream shop which your friend manages! Wow. It sounds silly but I felt cool that day. Thanks for making me feel cool, friends.
As promised, I'll talk about my 2019 goals which are split into months, in another post. And I'm itching to do a January favorites too. A Fresh Reads is also on the cards due to a not so recent library trip. This is me: I have a whole long list of topics I'm dying to blog about but just never get round to. Kudos to you for still sticking around.
For now, I am VERY much looking forward to CNY, because I get nearly the whole week off from work. It's a mini-holiday because we travel to Malaysia for Lunar New Year, so it's counted as going overseas. Sort of. I hope to spend it reading a lot, dreaming up future plans, and scoffing yummy snacks. I have a particular weakness for kueh bangkit / kueh kacang / kueh lapis / the classic pineapple tarts, each in dangerous amounts.
Keep my cholesterol and blood sugar levels in your thoughts guys, and remember I'm also keeping yours in mine,
it comes and goes in waves,
L / 18 / SG / undetermined
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Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.
last updated: 5 september