Half the class is not here for PE. Whoever's left gathers round,
like yesterday's leftovers brought out to eat grudgingly
I stand and watch as the boys take over, and I become shamefully invisible.
Resentment and jealousy creep their way in and I'm lost in those thoughts.
It's always a what if- what if I had different people, in a different place, in a different time?
Anything better than this, surely?
And- where is everyone?
The noise in the void deck rises to an unbearable level, as if shrieking to be let in.
It gets worse during Chemistry
Just like you knew it would,
especially when you have to see yourself, in the flesh, not understanding
the language of science
just flitting by
I gulp and try not to cry.
1.5 hours of staring blankly at Yeong Pang Kim Buay, and a can of green tea is on the menu for dinner
Because what's worse than going for a performance alone is eating in front of people you know, alone.
But the stage lights are turning on now,
Yiling is there, shining and beautiful in an intricate blue dress,
a dancer if I ever saw one (and trust me I've seen them)
And Liyana! Majestic with a silver headdress bigger than life,
with a familiar conviction that I've grown to know, and love.
Somehow, someway, that makes it all better-
And for the first time today I see a tiny ray of light.
Today's the first day I have hit the Maplewoods gym for the longest time, and in anticipation of it I created a bangin' playlist because everyone who knows my gym habits (literally no one) knows that the right music will have me pounding away on the treadmill like I'm battling the devil himself. For this purpose I love songs that have an awesome beat to it, preferably belted out by famous celebrities, are terribly popular pop-culture, and may sound slightly autotuned. It works wonders as work-out and feel-good music.
There's a mix of mostly fast and some slow, just to make things a bit more interesting.
I really dislike running outside or in general painful exercises outdoors that aren't fun. The exception being PE games in school because that involves a lot of screaming and laughing, which is fun. Otherwise, I like to sweat in aircon, contrary to what Em says.
The last time I regularly gymmed was back in 2016, I think right before and probably after the O's period. In 2017, I could count the number of times I went to the gym on one hand.
So gyming today felt really GOOD. I was so into it for some reason- maybe, definitely it's the fabulous playlist- but I felt like I could run for ages, and I didn't even get tired until the last part, when I was sprinting. The endorphins have been dormant for quite a while now, so they had a field day.
Every drop of sweat just makes me want to go further, push harder, and keep on going. And I think I will, hopefully this isn't the last the gym will see of me.
A much better day. There are some periods in life when everything seems to be going right, and some where everything is just so wrong, and then there is a right old mixture, which is rather baffling, but you'll take what you can get.
Today started off on a rather shaky note, because I had to go through my chem paper with Aaron and it felt quite bad. He's been such a great teacher, and I'm not exaggerating one bit, he and Ms. So are like my saviors in chemistry, by not only being really good teachers at the subject, but also being very supportive and encouraging. I'm a pretty bad tuition student to be honest, if I wake up being upset from something that happened yesterday or am just tired, I'll show it plainly, and Aaron has never responded to that- he's his jolly chipper self, and always manages to make me laugh. Ms So too, I've almost cried in front of her multiple times (from stress) but she's damn patient and sensitive to it.
And I had disappointed them both with getting a U. Again. Ah, the sucky U life. Underperformer. Unbelievabl-y awful. Utterly horrible. Which made me almost cry again, but I didn't shed a single tear- it stayed in my eyes.
I could go on and on about school and grades, but let's save that for another day. The sunshiney bits:
Church today was really nice, a shining example that His house is one of the best places for restoration. It was a balm to the soul singing praise and just kind of realigning my spirit to the Word again, because it always seems to go skew-whiff in the course of the week, pushed around by the din of school crowded with students' voices and clanky plates in the canteen.
The main point of sermon today I think, was relating God back to our own identity. It's something I remember learning in Proverbs and part of Romans, and it's a very significant doctrine because it can change the entire way you perceive and experience life. Ervin preached about how we aren't who we think we are- not our grades, our looks, our age, our race- rather, we are who God thinks we are. I love how every aspect of life is directed back to Him, how everything is so accounted for; it's as if this creator of ours is as involved as he can possibly be.
Significantly, that means that 'our distress only happens if God wills it.' I've definitely had a fair bit to go through these few weeks, a bit like someone chucking peeled oranges at me one after another and they just keep going faster, but knowing that my Father actually planned all of it and approved of it happening, and having hope that these trials will bring me to a better place, or condition, or person, is just about the most comforting knowledge to behold. I think it's a huge privilege to be able to rejoice when you're in a bad place because you can count on your Creator, safe in the fact that you are not alone. That doesn't mean we definitely get whatever we want, and all troubles will bring the most obvious good ending. But His choices are perfect, and so if we don't see the outcome as good in our own humanly terms, we know that it still is good because He is perfect.
Mel said that 'there is value in suffering', which is a beautiful sentence to me. We don't go through tough times for no reason. That would be stupid and inefficient, and God is anything but. The biggest suffering, undergone by Jesus, gave us the best blessing!!
I'm still learning to let the things of earth grow strangely dim because none of that should dictate who I am or how much I am worth. All of our faith, love, and joy should be derived from Christ and be manifestations of our personal response towards Him. /
Who am I, that the lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?
shamelessly stolen from Sha
WHAT WAS YOUR...
1. last beverage: mocha
2. last phone call: Em, last night
3. last text message: my bitch Maryann
4. last song you listened to: Yiruma's album- all of them are beautiful
5. last time you cried: the week after Bailamos
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice = no
7. been cheated on = JC has cheated my feelings
8. kissed someone & regretted it = I think Em has forced me to kiss her before idk
9. lost someone special = yes
10. been depressed = not clinically, but yes
11. been drunk and threw up = no
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend?: yes
16. Fallen out of love?: no
17. Laughed until you cried?: definitely
18. Met someone who changed you?: not really
19. Found out who your true friends were?: mhmm
20. Found out someone was talking about you?: yes
21. Kissed anyone on your fb friend's list?: nope
22. How many people on your fb friends list do you know in real life: maybe 90%
24. Do you have any pets?: no :-(
26. What did you do for your last birthday: see here!!!
27. What time did you wake up today: 4.15am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: hittzing the zzzs real hard
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: KICKING A'S IN THE ASS
30. Last time you saw your Mother: just??? had high tea together which was overall a really nice time. :)
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: my spirituality
32. What are you listening to right now: nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: the cofee is making me a lil ditzy
35. Most visited web page: gmail & my own blog LOL
37. Nicknames: Ly, Lyds, Liz, Looda, rat + other undisclosed names
38. Relationship Status: strong independent woman
39. Zodiac Sign: Taurus
40. He or She? she
41. Primary School? MG
42. Secondary School? MG
44. Hair Colour? Black
45. Long or Short? Short
46. Height? 5’0"
47.Do you have a crush on someone? nah
48: What do you like about yourself? my punctuality. And I'm a pretty good listener
49. Piercings: nop
50. Tattoos? nop
51. Righty or lefty? lefty!!
52. First surgery = nothing
53. First piercing = -
54. First best friend = Kaylee in P1 (or Yurika in kindie)
55. First sport you joined = cheerleading?
59. Eating - nothing
60. Drinking - nothing
61. I'm about to – take a shower
62. Listening to – nothing
63. Waiting for – Momma to fry up some salmon
64. Want kids? sure
65. Get Married? of course
66. Career? richly paid
WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes? = both...imagine someone with great eyes and pre-lip filler Kylie Jenner lips
68. Hugs or kisses = hugs are more comforting
69. Shorter or taller = anything is taller with me
70. Older or Younger = older
71. Romantic or Spontaneous: what Jan calls a 'false dichotomy'
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = ^
73. Sensitive or loud = idk
74. Hook-up or relationship = relationSHIT
75. Trouble maker or hesitant = trouble maker
HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = No
77. Drank hard liquor = no
78. Lost glasses/contacts = Yes. Multiple times
79. Sex on first date = no
80. Broken someone's heart = Er maybe not sure
81. Had your own heart broken = Not really
83. Turned someone down = yes
84. Cried when someone died = no
85. Fallen for a friend = no
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = with God yes
87. Miracles = perhaps
88. Love at first sight = no
89. Heaven = yeet
90. Santa Claus = not anymore
91. Kiss on the first date = mm nah
92. Angels = I suppose
93. Had more than one bf/gf? no
94. Is there one person you want to be with right now? @shabae
95. Did you sing today? I hummed (Versace on the Floor)
96. Ever cheated on somebody? no?
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go, and why? the beginning of 2017, to take the opportunities I was too scared to take.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? my birthday to hear my two wifeys sing for me again.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? If i were to be really honest, I think so
100. Posting this as 100 truths? hell yeah
Hello beautiful people, this edition of fresh reads is definitely one of my favourites so far- it's called the miracle batch because I loved every single read, they were all so good. So let's go!
1. The Coronation, Boris Akunin
Set in olden history where Russia still has Tsars, this book is an adventurous and quaint story of a Duke's butler and an oh-so-slick handsome sidekick who have to rescue the Duke's child, who gets kidnapped. It involves a devious criminal (who chops off the kid's finger at one point), a lot of very expensive ransom jewelry, and a big twist at the end when you realize you've been feeding off red herrings the entire time. Hint: it has to do with a man not actually being a man.
It's a little bit hard to read, because of all the long names those Russians have, but it was worth it pursuing the plot doggedly, and it wasn't long before I fell in love with Afanasii Stepanovich (whose point-of-view the story is written in), his matter of fact and sure way of viewing things, which he has been doing for years and years as a highly professional butler. Quite entertaining, and I got sucked into it memorably on one Bailamos prac when Yunsun was doing some part of J2 that none of the contemp girls were involved in, I think.
2. Empress of the Splendid Season, Oscar Hijuelos
This one tells the life a Cuban woman who comes to America, New York City, as a young lady after being kicked out of her home by her rich father for losing her virginity to an older man. And if that isn't saucy enough, guess what her name is. LYDIA! To be honest, that partly egged me on to borrow this book, even though my bag was heavy enough.
Name besides, this book is a joy to read from front to end. I got so sucked into the other Lydia's world, when I finished it was like waking up from a dream.
I learned about this fictional lady's entire life, it feels like. The narration of the present is interspersed with Lydia's thoughts and remniscing of the past, where she was a rich man's daughter in Havana, Cuba, a place that even now is like another plane of existence to me. I think Rozz did a travel vlog there once. I adore how honest and refreshing the depiction of her character is, not squirming past the down and dirty (sex), and making sure to include heartfelt moments when she turns towards her children with inexpressible love despite the cultural distance between them, or when she's loyal to her husband Raul after all those years- all the way to the end.
As it turns out, being a cleaning lady (in this day and age a housekeeper is a more accurate term) can be wondrously interesting. As is the general innerworkings of a mother who struggles to keep her family afloat, and elegantly, even when things are always tough.
3. The Devotion of Suspect X, Keigo Higashino
Let me just preface, on the second and third times of reading this book I still got internal chills at how brilliantly planned it is. The review on the front says 'the Japanese Stieg Larsson', and I quite agree, there's almost as much suspense and thrill packed into this book as there is in all 3 of Larsson's the Girl series. I don't think the author writes like Larsson, to be honest, given that that's translated from Swedish and this is translated from Japanese, and those two have their own unique style; but I can see the similarity content wise: it's a mystery novel that packs a real punch right at the end.
It's about a Japanese single mother, Yasuko, who kills her husband in a highly morally ambiguous situation. You can't really call it manslaughter, which would sort of absolve her of her crime, but then again is it murder when her husband is abusive, manipulative, and a leech to top it all off? (Think about it, ladies.) Jokes aside, she's saved- somewhat- by the coming of her quietly genius maths teacher neighbour, Mr. Ishigami, who covers up everything for her. And I mean EVERYTHING.
I absolutely loved reading this and finished it in one feverish night, and I got so scared I couldn't stay in my room by myself anymore.
On a more lighthearted note, we'll end off with two editions of a magazine that I've been perusing on and off for the past few years.
4. Kinfolk, Volume 25 and 26
In these 2 issues I finally realized why one of these cost nearly $40 a pop. Shipping and packaging costs aside, Kinfolk is really professionally done up. It can't be further along than one of your tabloid glossies (which are still enjoyable but in a more guilty and trashy way); like Frankie, it's meant to be bought and kept, preferably on a sophisticated yet minimalist glass coffeetable where it sits beside a cup of steaming hot coffee and flaky croissant.
For one, I really like that there's a running theme for each issue. I think that's quite unique for a magazine, because there surely are alot of questions arising this kind of categorization: what if they run out of topics? And isn't life constantly updating? But I hope they have it all sorted, because it makes for a very nice almost organized reading, and my little OCD soul sighs with satisfaction.
As for the content itself, they have purely photographic spreads along with lengthier interviews with various sorts in the creative industries, factual pieces mixed in with opinion articles. In volume 26, there was a long spread on African American photographer Gordon Parks, and how he documented the racial discrimination in the US while having a great illustrious career. That was lovely to read.
On the whole, Kinfolk's pretty much an adult magazine in the way Frankie isn't, which is what I appreciate about it.
Well, that's all for today, folks. Until next time,
For anyone reading this and who's interested to have a study sesh together on Friday!
It's a bit late, but just in case any of you are free, and would like to spend sum quality time with yours truly.
Obviously, not posting this on Insta because I currently don't have insta.
Friends old and new, young or old, welcome to hit me up at soonest~
EDIT: Spot has been filled!!
Ly / 18 / SG / ACJC
see here to find out more.
Our worth is connected to our Creator. If God is of great and inestimable worth, then human beings made in his image must be of great value, too.
last updated: 28 dec