I've really not been getting any inspiration lately. The thoughts in my head come and go so what's left isn't really cohesive, it's like fragments that mumble instead of yelling something at a rally.
Mostly my hours have been dominated by dance, dance, dance. It's way WAY more than I was used to at MG, which honestly seems like a piece of cake now. It makes me question why I didn't just pick up my ass and BE a bit better at dance. But I blame my anxiety- social, general, I don't know. I was just unhappy. And anyway that time of my life is done and dusted. I've closed the lid on it and there's no dragging it back. What remains is the present which is AC Dance, AKA my dream, right now, it practically defines who I am.
Before going into anything deeper what I need to foreground is this: a realization today that it's really difficult to be truly vulnerable in front of my friends, perhaps especially so on social media. I talk a lot about the humdrum of everyday life- the so called, relateable things- but the little things that really crush my soul are never displayed for anyone to see. In fact, hardly anyone ever knows about it. For one because everyone is so goddamn busy trying to scream to the rest of the world what a wonderful amazing life they have, and at the same time everyone is scared to admit that there are insecurities that go beyond the mass mentality. I'm talking about our personal insecurities- the ones that only you know and make you feel worthless or lonely and no one can know that you feel like this because you look weak and consequently less valuable than the rest of society.
Apart from the obvious physical strain that dance gives me, this is the bare and honest truth: I am lonely in dance. This is what I feel almost every single dance training and it kills me slowly. It's not that I'm a loner. There's people that I talk to. Some more than others, granted. But I don't just mooch around by myself.
The problem is that I just become a shrinking violet in dance and I don't know why. My extroverted self retreats into a cave and refuses to come out. She can't think of anything interesting to say, she stares blankly at a friend. She can't make anyone laugh. She worries that people find her legitimately annoying. And that she looks bad dancing. All these anxieties bubble up until introverted Lydia silently replaces the shiny new ACJC Ly.
This is made especially bad when obvious cliques become more obvious than ever. Like when I was on the train today with Jay and we bumped into the Nanhua clique who had clearly made plans to travel together and possibly eat breakfast together. And there was the other time after dance when the 3 of them bid us farewell because they were going to have dinner together, without a single word of invitation. You can't be more exclusive than when you try not to be. It just makes my insides crawl because I would love to have a group of people to stick to, too. But I can't. Due to stated above, and it would also make me the biggest stinking hypocrite.
That's why life has been hard lately. I love the dancing that I do. I'm grateful for the present that each choreographer has spent blood and tears crafting for us: their own choreography. (Analogy credits to Zaki.) But some days I simply get swallowed up into this emotional void that it's hard to appreciate things for what they are.
Today I walked home and thought about all this and remembered that even if all goes to complete shit, God will always love me. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. What a powerful quote that is, because it is saying absolutely nothing, not even the good amongst the bad! can separate me from my Creator. And I will always have comfort in that infinite truth.
L / 18 / SG / ACJC
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last updated: 5 september