Another week has flown by and I'm left standing, a little dazed, but still holding on.
The whole of Wednesday was bittersweet. In fact, a lot of things went topsy turvy.
1) We all knew it was the Last day we'd be together as an OG going round to lectures. I was not at the top of my game, being pretty quiet, till John even asked me why I was so depressed.
2) I squeezed my phone too hard in West Coast Park till the screen protector cracked in two places. I felt the same kind of devastation as the previous 2 times when my screen broke, except a bit toned down because I knew it was the protector, so it could be easily replaced. Thank GOODNESS for screen protectors, it only cost $8 to get a new one instead of the whopping $50+ to fix an actual screen.
3) In fact, everyone seemed a bit off key that day. The gender segregation was back again- always creeping up when you most don't want it. Plus, Sharyn and some of the other girls left before dinner so we couldn't even have a full OG dinner together. (Which was prata at the prata shop.)
4) I took 201 from the wrong busstop and rode all the way to past Vivo before realizing it was a very, very wrong route. Bloody waste of time! However the bus uncle very kindly told me how to get back to Clementi so at least that went without a hitch.
5) Listened to emo songs and teared heavily on the bus thinking about having to lose my safe place in AC. Sometimes I think I get attached way too easily and that sucks because people always have to leave. Most do. Except for family, they're forever. But what can I do? That's just how emotion runs through my blood.
Thursday and Friday were not bad...quite good. I'm getting into the swing of things with MD5, talking more to them and even joking around, which is AWESOME. I've also been talking to Winston a bunch because we're in the same chem tutorial. What are the odds??
Dance yesterday was better than the first time. I got paired up with Xave and Leanne since Natalie had extra lesson. Xavia is a REALLY good senior mentor because she gives superb notes you got to really remember to improve your dancing. Leanne is a really sweet girl too. She's actually got such a dancer's body (GORG arch and hyper extension), but tends to get a little scared cos she hasn't danced in a while. Anyway, I hope we'll do some real dancing soon.
The whole week was basically the title.
Lately I've been sized with the sudden desire to travel to America, or Paris. Just one of the two, and I'm not entirely sure why, but maybe because there's a romantic quality to those places that I really miss. I want to see the sparkling city lights of New York, Brooklyn, the neon signs in Los Angeles, and the sky awash of pink and blue on some beach many miles away from home. I want to go to the Eiffel Tower for the first time- and cry when I see it just like Jemma Wei did when she was 21. It's what childhood dreams are made of.
This doesn't have anything in relation to the rest of the post. It's just a random thought I had.
In other news, I had an overall amazing week. Things got steadily better after the last post, where I said I had finally found a place in AC. After that time, it got established that Heaven was kinda 'the' Bloom hangout place. We go there every single free period anyone has in common to do work or talk shit or play card games. In fact, my kitty poker cards are such a hit I don't even know who has it in their possession. I always leave it with them because Janice and I have lectures that go on later than everyone else's.
The biggest update is that I GOT INTO AC DANCE! Shucks, it was a MAJOR relief to receive that text. I was praying to God and muttering to myself all the way home, please God just let me have this one thing please please please. And He SO came through, He blessed me with a spot in a CCA I've been worrying myself to bits about since last year, literally.
Winston, Yuze and Colin from my OG also made the cut, but Colin really only auditioned as a joke so I've let him slide. I was over the moon to hear that they made it because it would be so freaking FUN to have 2 of the Bloom boys in dance with me. I already know I will miss Bloom like hell once the real timetable begins. It would be the best to be able to see some of them every week and keep the contact. Oh geez, I will miss them so. I'm probably the most sentimental person in the whole group, but it's the little things that matter to me most. Not getting to see Jia Xin giggle and bite her lip during an awkward moment, hearing lovely Erika ramble on in that Latina accent, the boys constant rubbish talking which includes Colin (colon) absolutely swearing off his mouth every single day- all of these things add up in each bright, new day. Bloom is really my first #whyAC.
In the same vein the situation is looking up in terms of my class, 1MD5. I hate the fact that we're all rojak, however, the guys in my class especially Radhi seem outgoing and funny. That means at least 2 classmates are not lame and quiet (not saying those 2 are correlated), and I'm seeing that as a glass-half-full kind of thing.
Saturday was as always a highlight of my week. I don't know how I can laugh so much each time. The exact thought I had during DG time was: my love for ya'll is through the roof.
Today, I'm going to get my first pair of pointe shoes ever. That's hella exciting.
City of stars, are you shining just for me?
This is the final post to end off my Japan Traveldiary, albeit having taken really long because life (JC) got into the way. I hope to update about that soon, but for now, let's tip back into time- into the place in Japan that's bursting with blue skies, warm bakeries, and all that dripping suburban goodness.
I always have this pseudo- affinity with Tokyo more than any other city in Japan because that was our home eons ago. Of course, there's no real emotional bond anymore. What I can recall of my life in suburban Tokyo is mostly our house interior with its 'playroom', here and there bits of Seisen (my first crush in kindergarten), and Neopets in the kitchen. A mish mash of memories that float around, unattached, kind of rootless.
But coming back here those memories suddenly find home.
So it was a strange sadness to find that our old house had been unceremoniously torn down, rebuilt into another house. Strange because I don't remember what the house looked like, but sad because I remember what it felt like.
Sayonara, Tokyo; you've been good to me....all this time.
It's officially been more than a week since starting JC. It was everything like it was said to be: fast, crazy, as if God had stuck out his hand and swirled it into the universe, upending everything, and I watched my constructed world break apart into a void where I could not reach.
It all started with orientation. Ugh, orientation. I hated my first orientation because I wasn't happy at all during it. (Sec 1 orientation was the absolute worst and scarred me forever.) Everyone was as expected quite dreary and shy, while our OGLs were running around like on drugs, especially Antriksh- I laughed multiple times because he yelled so hard during cheers his eyes kind of bugged out and he sounded like a barbarian. Oh, not forgetting Joel, the Pyralis clan leader, who has endless amounts of SWAG I can't even comprehend, and is cute to boot. (Thank God no one in AC knows about this blog.)
I was for a large proportion of the time quietly depressed for several reasons. It seemed like the only friend I had was Janice, because some of the girls hung out together so only a couple of us were left awkwardly socialising. Then the boys were another matter entirely. Oh, the BOYS. At moments I wanted to punch them yet other times they were funny. The main problem was that they were safe in their own jock-y testosterone filled paradise, which pissed me off. Here I was, STRIDING out of my comfort zone- it takes so much to put myself out there with, essentially, a bunch of strangers- oh, I don't know. It just felt like there was a patriarchy in ACJC and they had automatically contributed to it. Boys rule in this school, honestly. So many boys hold high up leadership positions and / or are popular with crowds of friends. Where is the girl power? Where are my funny, charming, smart girls?
But there were good times too. I met and made friends with a lovely girl Jia Xin, who giggles a lot. Sharyn also, brightening up the day with her never ending laughter and antics. That time after public Zumba when some of us girls talked to Yuze plus Colin, and we took a photo together. I discovered Yuze was one of the nicest guys in the OG, and for all of Colin's through the grapevine stories, he was a friendly guy, sometimes even chivalrous, which makes me think: there's surely more of that niceness somewhere. OG outing to the tramp park, where we watched Winston do his freaky gymnastics stunts....plus see Ant get mortally injured.
Then there was today, which I really will remember for a very long time, because for once I felt like I belonged somewhere, in AC.
I suggested playing cards because I'd been bringing them for days but either no one brought it up or we didn't have time. So a couple of us headed to Heaven (top floor of an AC building) since poker cards aren't allowed. In fact for a while the only girls were Sharyn and I, which is weird, but not so weird thinking about it because the other girls didn't even want to play. Then we played.
That's IT. We just played.
Maybe just playing is an understatement. We laughed, joked around, made digs at Yuze, made digs at Linus, did Taiti, did Cheat, made digs at Shawn, made digs at Winston. Made digs at Sharyn. My cards got complimented because they are pretty damn cute. Colin took out his ginormous deck as well, which was hilarious, they're as big as my face almost.
It was probably nothing to them, but to me it was the whole world. Because I always had a dream of finding somewhere in AC that I can be happy and safe. Somewhere or somepeople, either one, or they go hand in hand. Up till this point there was nothing. Nobody. Not even the MG girls because it's just not the same. We aren't in MG anymore. We have to grow up.
And so today it felt like I finally found a place. Whether I'm dreaming, or it's real, I don't know.
But I'm just going to keep being a fool who dreams because that dream is all I've got.
L / 18 / SG / undetermined
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Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.
last updated: 5 september