So prelims are in a weeks time, and once again the feeling of impending catastrophe palpitates in my heart. I'm getting worse at expressing how I feel. Perhaps, simply put, I'm just really not prepared. At all. From the start it never felt like something as big as prelims were looming up on me. Now the pressure is finally building and it's all too late. As if I'm in the middle of two trains, both rushing towards me. Something Denise (IP one) said on Saturday resonated with me. She said if she screws up her EOYs she's 'done for'. Well, I feel like I'm already 'done for'.
I know there is still happiness in life. I really want to be able to enjoy it. Like, tomorrow there's no lessons plus Founders' Day Dinner, which is basically secondary school prom without the boyz. I want so badly to be excited, and I am, but the accompanying sense of dread for exams presses itself down on me like a deadweight, and inwardly I cringe so hard at the thought of one whole day wasted partying. How I wish I could let down my hair and glam up and be completely, 100% invested in it. I don't know if it's possible. I don't know if it is possible to be completely and wholly happy anymore because there'll still be that 1% that refuses to go away, that whispers dark things in my head, of undone work, confusion, failure.
Today I went to eat dinner by myself after ballet because everyone else is out. I was well and truly alone. But the fact is the world is still huge and full of endless beautiful things, because there is a group of people in Saizeriya who cannot let my sister go, who treat us out of their own humble pockets, and who unhesitatingly call me "darling" all for being the sister of a part-timer who once worked there.
That's how beautiful this world is.
In the Perks of Being A Wallflower, Mr.Andersen says, "we accept the love we think we deserve." It means to love everyone. Every leaf. Every ray of light. To forgive. I'm still trying to accept the love I think I deserve. Which, to be honest, is not much of late.
I swear, this isn't becoming a seriously Christian website, but since I am one you just have to stick through another post for now.
Today seemed like a sign from God that everything was going to be OK. I've always wondered how people just know that God is speaking to them: "oh yeah, I was reading the bible and God gave me this verse...", or "God spoke to me and told me to..." like HOW?? Can you give me his hotline thanks??
Well, the hotline isn't real. It's not a physical thing which you can pick up to hear his voice anyway. But there are options.
I experienced a lot of doubts yesterday, and it's one of the few times where I've felt alone to such a degree by God.
I realized I was wrong. Today, we had a Mr. Tong who's subbing in for Mrs. Choo while she's recovering from acute appendicitis. He showed us this video about God, and I felt like he was speaking directly through the video...to me.
Even though I didn't cry like Gaby, it really touched me. Somewhere deep in my heart where nobody dares tread. He was there when I was knit in my mother's womb, when I took my first steps, my first words, my first smile. Whenever I pray before big events, I always ask God to just be there for me. That's all. Just him being by my side is enough for me to get through anything life wants to chuck at me.
In the darkest nights, where you cry yourself to sleep alone, when it's as if the whole world doesn't understand you-
"I was there."
This the line that will stay with me forever. And it is absolutely true.
On a lighter note, there has been a startling new territory that I've never encountered before till this year: boys. At the risk of sounding like a 5 year old, gosh, what are those weird looking new creatures who carry cooties?
I've always considered myself an independent girl. Even though I'm ditzy sometimes, on the inside I can change into a girl with a dragon tattoo. We're worlds apart, Lisbeth Salander and I, but somehow parts of her character are so relatable to myself, especially the carefully constructed self-confidence and greatest fear, which was so huge and so black that it was of phobic proportions. It often doesn't show physically, I realize, but this girl has a lotta internal issues. I realized I think a lot. Unknowingly. And these thoughts don't really get broadcasted to other people. About 70% of what goes on in my head, stays in my head. That should be a quote. Which is very similar to Lisbeth Salander, even though she is skinny and has multiple tattoos and smokes cigarettes. Not to mention, is Sweden's fictitious but most talented, brilliant, hacker.
Consequently it was up to her to solve her problems by herself, using whatever methods she deemed necessary.
It's one of the reasons why I don't want to get tuition for school. I only caved in for math and requested it because it really is suffering to the pits. But I firmly believe that every single problem has a solution, sometimes crystal-clear, sometimes not; but still, there is always a solution. And I am capable of handling it. I have always been able to come up with a Plan B even if there's no need for its execution. That's simple logical thinking. Procedural, Mr.Hider would call it.
Which is why O levels is so bleakly terrifying.
There was bio SPA 3 and Chinese oral exams today. Two big exams that I will never be able to snatch back. This is what frightens me to death. It's not even a normal school exam where I can look back on it and revise again. There's no second chance. That was it.
And then I tried to comfort myself by remembering God. But what happens to God's big plan when you yourself screwed up the perfect conditions? I had a ridiculously easy oral topic. My examiners were smiley, friendly people who genuinely wanted to help me. God provided the setting for us to do well. But my mind blanked, the silence widened, and suddenly all I could feel was the yawning chasm growing between us- student and teacher- unbearable, inescapable.
So what happens after a catastrophe occurs in your life? How exactly does God's plan alter? Does he give you an alternate pathway that leads back to the "original"? Or is it constantly shifting? What if because of my folly, my plan is changed forever, and I have to settle for the second best "ending"?
I asked Dorcas, and she said if you tried your best in everything, put all your efforts in, and you still don't get what you desire, then perhaps that's God's plan for you. But how on earth do you know when you've tried your best? What if I've worked myself to death, but if I'd stayed up that one more night then only would it count as my "best"?
And if my God has conditions for his plan, then he's not really a God of unconditional love. Because that's what I thought he is. I can never be able to do my best in every single thing. And I need to know that through all this He's going to be there for me. After every scrape and knuckle. Can I believe that? Is it true?
Being Lisbeth Salander has its benefits. But after a while you can't sort out everything yourself. That's the real logical thinking.
Gosh, this title is simply dripping with creativity.
But seriously, I've been wanting to write for a long time now, it's just that life always catches up with me. Sometimes, she speeds up too fast, and starts throwing curveballs, shuttlecocks as well as a fair number of ninja stars.
They manifest in the form of relentless tests and homework assignments. If I'm being really honest with myself, I quite like it -not the near-breakdown moments when tears threaten to fall- but the whole busy lifestyle, always rushing from one task to the next, and the sheer challenge of it all. It's very stimulating, because I am a girl who cannot function without a little stress in my life, no matter how much I complain about it.
It's also because being busy means that the relaxing periods are so much more rewarding. So, I really appreciate when I have time to do the things I love; like playing the ukulele (a new found passion), posting on here, planning outings with friends, shopping (there's this just adorable duffel bag I've got my eye on right now)....
July will be one of those months, that's for sure. So will August, September, October, and November. That goes without saying. All of us 16 year olds are heading towards the moment we've been working for this past 6 months, or even these past 4 years, if you want to stretch it. We're almost there!
Recently, I had Dance Night, one of the more emotional times of my life and entire dance journey too. One day I will surely scribble a bit on that. I also went to Awfully Chocolate with my mum. We shared two mains from their very first hot foods menu, it was pretty scrummy, but not 'worth the hype'. Also, I won an online giveaway for the first time.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, life can flit past you in an instant, if you let it. But I want to remember not just big things, but any old small thing that could very well have passed me by. What infestimal incident made me smile or filled my heart up like a balloon, even if just for a moment; they have keep me bright, alive, and it's what makes us human.
It's like that movie, that Em mentioned a long time ago, of a man who could control time. In the end, he lived each day twice over: the first time to let everything happen naturally, and then the second, to stop and add in the little things- saying 'I love you' to his wife, hugging his son- until they became second nature, and he learned to appreciate and love each day down to its hairline cracks.
We owned the night like the (4th) 2nd of July.
I don't even remember exactly when Mr Dan started teaching us the choreography for luggage dance, but it was definitely since last year, because we tried to do it for the Combined Dance Camp presentation- and failed miserably.
Not on Saturday, though. Saturday we were fireworks.
Oh dear. Just like that, June is irrevocably over. And what a month it's been. Especially the past 2 weeks, because first school started, then I started having intensive dance practices for dance night tomorrow (SQUEEEE!) Then I realized I love being busy- just that I barely have time to do some things I love, like writing on this blog. I've had this post in my drafts for a couple of weeks already, but only found time to properly curate it now.
Nonetheless, during June I indulged in two relatively quick but cool crafts. It was so nice to dabble in a bit of art after my long hiatus from dropping art subject this year. I've not been creatively interested in anything (unless this blog counts) for a long time. When I have the time- when pigs can fly- I'll throw everything I've got into a big artsy project. Maybe at the end of the year.
To start off, I've redecorated my mood board.
It's a bit of a change from the usual, because there's less fashion related cutouts and more artworks. This is mostly due to the fact that I'm short on available fashion magazines, contrary to piles of random 'zines' that
accumulated somehow. It's been a few months since the last switch, from winter-themed November December to very summery, bright start-of-the year. I forgot to take a picture before tearing down everything from that theme, but you can kind of tell from what's in the bin.
The mood board is very important to me because it serves as inspiration for the following weeks / months, as well as presenting lovely memories from the past. For example, on the yellow peg there's a polaroid of me and Dorcas' shoes in Cijin Art District, Taiwan, taken in December. There's also a picture of somewhere beautiful in Spain, taken by Ethel, and I found it so beautiful because she was struck by a sense of wonder when looking out at the big blue.
The only constant thing on it is the pink paper right in the centre. It's my resolutions for the year. It goes up once and never leaves until it comes down, 365 days later. Oh yes, I'll have to do a resolutions post at the end of this year! (FYI, I broke one of them the very first WEEK of January).
L / 18 / SG / ACJC
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If you get everything you want the minute you want it, what's the point of living?
last updated: 5 september