Invitation for someone to come over to my house to eat some of the Timtams that are in my fridge. We have 2 unfinished trays that are past their best before dates and 2 more in the pantry and no one is eating them. They taste good. I cannot eat them because I prefer my sugar in fruit, and eating more than 1 makes me feel guilty. No one else is bothering to eat them. Please come over and finish them. Thank you
Breakfast: peanut butter toast with banana + 2 tsp of ground flaxseeds. Oolong tea
1st break: yong tau foo with veggie and tofu
2nd break: 1 apple + a handful of cherry tomatoes + 1 slice of rock melon
Dinner: angel hair noodles in soup with xiao bai cai and pork balls
After dinner: 1 orange
It was our last P.E. ever. I was wearing my home purple shorts because for the life of me there were no AC FBTs in my wardrobe, and Mr. Choo said I was walking like a boss in those shorts and I thought this was super funny. I adore him for being the most chill PE teacher ever who can gossip along with us and is just happy that we even turn up. I will miss him. He also commented that my watch was so 'me'. I don't know if that's a compliment, but I kind of like it. I think I'm slowly starting to find who I am, or at least who I want to be, which might be different from who I actually am- then there's a good middle ground. When he said that, I felt like I was taking shape somehow.
Not even sure if I did an RHD '17, but here goes; a photodiary of sorts of one of my happiest days in AC.
The bulk of what went down has gone into the hallowed pages of my journal so sadly you won't see it here, but mainly I just had a supreme time going round taking pictures with these featured people and having FUN. P.E. was one of those rare full-shows and for the first time in a while I cried laughing because MD5 can be cute when it wants to be. I guess it makes me treasure these moments more.
But I want to talk now about the darker side of RHD that is overlooked and which everyone just likes to take as a joke and sweep it under the carpet.
1, being the boy who dressed up as a terrorist. 2, the SA4 boys who dressed up as Arab oil sheiks- Colin, Youngjae, Yuze, Jon Yeo.
I usually refrain from naming people if it's in a bad context, and what's more two of them were my OG mates, but because the basis of their actions was to get attention, I'll just put it up and let them take the rep. Also because if you did something publicly you should be ready to own up to it and either admit you were wrong, or defend yourself properly.
My blood absolutely boiled when I saw Jaimie's post on him yesterday on Instagram. I haven't gotten this 'righteous' high horse anger for a long time, and it's a bit weird but I get almost panicky, I think maybe it was adrenaline. I was just pissed to hell because dressing up as a TERRORIST of all things is just about the most disrespectful, offensive and terrible thing you can do on an even that is supposed to promote harmony, peace, and happiness.
How it is one bit funny is really beyond me.
The fact that there are thousands, maybe even millions of people suffering every single day from regimes like ISIS reigning terror in those war-torn countries is too relevant for you to brush under the carpet for your once-off joke. He treated it like it was something to aspire to be, when blood is shed and lives are gotdamn lost; and it's like a spit in the face to those people. It was more than appropriation, it was disrespect. I can say 100% he wouldn't have done it if his mother had been killed in some kind of terrorist bombing in Singapore. He would not. And if you can't do it to yourself, then how can you do it to those people who's lives are actually like that? You might say one person doesn't make a difference, but doesn't it? Does it not show what kind of insensitive and downright ignorant person you are, and what kind of school this is, if everyone around him encourages him?
Though Colin's gang didn't go so far, they still went out of the line. This is hypocritical, because I myself laughed heaps when Antriksh's gang did the exact same thing last year (maybe they started it), and thought it was totally cool. But this year it didn't feel right. I assumed it was because it wasn't new to me anymore, so it was just another silly stunt, but after pondering I realized it's because they paraded it around so much it became a mockery of Arabian culture.
The costumes were realistic. The stereotypes were obnoxious and should not have been condoned. They or at least Colin carried around a silver briefcase to take videos of him 'striking deals' like real oil sheiks, and photoshopped backgrounds of the oil-nation meetings (ok la whatever it's called).
While it doesn't shit on the underprivileged and victims, they twisted a culture and identity to gain attention for a single day. They weren't trying to appreciate Arabian history; they took it and exhibited it like some kind of animal show for a selfish gain- for one Insta photoset's worth; and the eyes of a thousand ACsians.
And everyone thought it was so bloody hilarious.
I think that's the seedy underbelly of AC that no one sees, or that everyone tries to pretend it's not there by making it all sunshine and rainbows. But life goes on, Racial Harmony Day will still happen year after year. I can only hope the next generation will wisen up and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you, and that awareness and kindness makes you much more attractive than being rude and ignorant.
Half the class is not here for PE. Whoever's left gathers round,
like yesterday's leftovers brought out to eat grudgingly
I stand and watch as the boys take over, and I become shamefully invisible.
Resentment and jealousy creep their way in and I'm lost in those thoughts.
It's always a what if- what if I had different people, in a different place, in a different time?
Anything better than this, surely?
And- where is everyone?
The noise in the void deck rises to an unbearable level, as if shrieking to be let in.
It gets worse during Chemistry
Just like you knew it would,
especially when you have to see yourself, in the flesh, not understanding
the language of science
just flitting by
I gulp and try not to cry.
1.5 hours of staring blankly at Yeong Pang Kim Buay, and a can of green tea is on the menu for dinner
Because what's worse than going for a performance alone is eating in front of people you know, alone.
But the stage lights are turning on now,
Yiling is there, shining and beautiful in an intricate blue dress,
a dancer if I ever saw one (and trust me I've seen them)
And Liyana! Majestic with a silver headdress bigger than life,
with a familiar conviction that I've grown to know, and love.
Somehow, someway, that makes it all better-
And for the first time today I see a tiny ray of light.
Today's the first day I have hit the Maplewoods gym for the longest time, and in anticipation of it I created a bangin' playlist because everyone who knows my gym habits (literally no one) knows that the right music will have me pounding away on the treadmill like I'm battling the devil himself. For this purpose I love songs that have an awesome beat to it, preferably belted out by famous celebrities, are terribly popular pop-culture, and may sound slightly autotuned. It works wonders as work-out and feel-good music.
There's a mix of mostly fast and some slow, just to make things a bit more interesting.
I really dislike running outside or in general painful exercises outdoors that aren't fun. The exception being PE games in school because that involves a lot of screaming and laughing, which is fun. Otherwise, I like to sweat in aircon, contrary to what Em says.
The last time I regularly gymmed was back in 2016, I think right before and probably after the O's period. In 2017, I could count the number of times I went to the gym on one hand.
So gyming today felt really GOOD. I was so into it for some reason- maybe, definitely it's the fabulous playlist- but I felt like I could run for ages, and I didn't even get tired until the last part, when I was sprinting. The endorphins have been dormant for quite a while now, so they had a field day.
Every drop of sweat just makes me want to go further, push harder, and keep on going. And I think I will, hopefully this isn't the last the gym will see of me.
A much better day. There are some periods in life when everything seems to be going right, and some where everything is just so wrong, and then there is a right old mixture, which is rather baffling, but you'll take what you can get.
Today started off on a rather shaky note, because I had to go through my chem paper with Aaron and it felt quite bad. He's been such a great teacher, and I'm not exaggerating one bit, he and Ms. So are like my saviors in chemistry, by not only being really good teachers at the subject, but also being very supportive and encouraging. I'm a pretty bad tuition student to be honest, if I wake up being upset from something that happened yesterday or am just tired, I'll show it plainly, and Aaron has never responded to that- he's his jolly chipper self, and always manages to make me laugh. Ms So too, I've almost cried in front of her multiple times (from stress) but she's damn patient and sensitive to it.
And I had disappointed them both with getting a U. Again. Ah, the sucky U life. Underperformer. Unbelievabl-y awful. Utterly horrible. Which made me almost cry again, but I didn't shed a single tear- it stayed in my eyes.
I could go on and on about school and grades, but let's save that for another day. The sunshiney bits:
Church today was really nice, a shining example that His house is one of the best places for restoration. It was a balm to the soul singing praise and just kind of realigning my spirit to the Word again, because it always seems to go skew-whiff in the course of the week, pushed around by the din of school crowded with students' voices and clanky plates in the canteen.
The main point of sermon today I think, was relating God back to our own identity. It's something I remember learning in Proverbs and part of Romans, and it's a very significant doctrine because it can change the entire way you perceive and experience life. Ervin preached about how we aren't who we think we are- not our grades, our looks, our age, our race- rather, we are who God thinks we are. I love how every aspect of life is directed back to Him, how everything is so accounted for; it's as if this creator of ours is as involved as he can possibly be.
Significantly, that means that 'our distress only happens if God wills it.' I've definitely had a fair bit to go through these few weeks, a bit like someone chucking peeled oranges at me one after another and they just keep going faster, but knowing that my Father actually planned all of it and approved of it happening, and having hope that these trials will bring me to a better place, or condition, or person, is just about the most comforting knowledge to behold. I think it's a huge privilege to be able to rejoice when you're in a bad place because you can count on your Creator, safe in the fact that you are not alone. That doesn't mean we definitely get whatever we want, and all troubles will bring the most obvious good ending. But His choices are perfect, and so if we don't see the outcome as good in our own humanly terms, we know that it still is good because He is perfect.
Mel said that 'there is value in suffering', which is a beautiful sentence to me. We don't go through tough times for no reason. That would be stupid and inefficient, and God is anything but. The biggest suffering, undergone by Jesus, gave us the best blessing!!
I'm still learning to let the things of earth grow strangely dim because none of that should dictate who I am or how much I am worth. All of our faith, love, and joy should be derived from Christ and be manifestations of our personal response towards Him. /
Who am I, that the lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?
L / 18 / SG / ACJC
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last updated: 5 september