Sometimes posts like these just come up. So let's get on with it.
- Not really a thought but an update; today we finished our syllabus for interfoundation barre! Barre means our exercises at the bar. I don't like petit battement, but the adage music is so nice and soft. And it's such great news that I really wanted to share it here. Someday I'll talk about my Attitude ballet class (v.s. Friday family at Palais, whom, yes, I do miss dreadfully sometimes) but for now, it's alright. We're hanging in there. Just dance dance dance.
- Recently came across this image.
I had a "WOAHHHH" moment, like one of those freeze-frames in movies where there's a pause and then everything starts to disintegrate. It totally shifted my perspective into clear focus.
Because, really, what will be the point of living? It ties in with a book I read on Christianity by Lee Strobel on why God allows unhappiness in the world. That is, because only through suffering can we truly appreciate happiness for what it is.
I'm neither as eloquent nor as witty as him, but you get the gist. If you had everything you ever wanted in life the minute you wanted it, would you even appreciate it when you got it? Would you understand what it means to have gotten it, to attain it, to own it and to make it yours? You wouldn't see the virtue behind whatever it is you wanted, right? You could never fully see the preciousness of it. It's only through the process do we grow at all as a person.
Same train of thought applies to the concept of happy / unhappy. If God wanted a perfect world, he could just create it, right? Of course he can. He can wipe us out with a click of his fingers, chuckling, "Look at those stupid humans, let's just clear them all out." But he doesn't, and neither does he remove all bad things in the world, our Pandora's box.
Firstly it has to be said it's because he loves us. And from that love comes true understanding of His creation- are you getting my drift?- because he knows we can only experience His love, all kinds of love, and real happiness, with choice.
He didn't make us walking robots of perfection, because it's not love if you have no choice, isn't it? If you were simply built to love someone there would be no love in that. Or never make any mistake, always be nice towards others, never know what it feels to be anything less than content. It would be perfunctory. It would kill the sincerity out of everything.
We are given the choice to sin, to love, to be unhappy, to be happy. That's what life is. Therein lies its beauty.
- Lastly, which is related to what was just said above, is that I want to be known as a God fearing person. You're probably a bit unnerved, as it's true I only started going to church at all this year. 9 months, such great change, huh?
I don't know. I don't really see it that way- in my mind I've always been a Christian, just not a strong one. Always hovering by the side. I prayed, yes, but only in times of need. And I liked singing songs. So it was almost 10 years of hesitation that formed the foundation for this belief, and I think that's why I can be so strongly pulled into it. All I needed was a little push.
Jesus at the centre of it all, really...it's just that a lot of things made sense after I started learning more about the gospel. How do you put it into words? Maybe that it's the biggest comfort to rely on your God, your father? Or that the meaning of my life is already answered, it's been answered since He created everything at the beginning of time? PIus, a large part of it is from the community at TBC. I would never ever had come this far if everyone hadn't been so nice and funny and kind, and full of amazing people like Mel, Jeannette, Jiayee, Vera, Pris, etc. who show me what it means to trust. To have a little faith.
I'm never going to be able to fully express what TBC means to me, am I?
Well, bringing us back to the point. In short, I would just like to be known for being a Godly person. Not Godly in the "oh she's so perfect and holy" way, but in the way that everyone knows Jesus is the center of her life even through trials. That would be really nice.
If you read this far, WOW! Thanks a bunch. I hope it made sense to you. And have a lovely day too.
So something truly horrible happened today, and this time it trumps everything.
This beat the time I peed in class in kindergarden and my teacher lied that it was 'water' and made my classmate, a boy, clean it up. And not to be presumptuous, but it also beats Claire's embarrassing moment of shitting in the pool and blaming it on her mom.
Since most of you follow my second instagram, you'll be privy to this already. But I know you guys will be wanting the FULL deets. Perks of having access to my blog. So here you go. But for HEAVEN'S sake do not go around telling this to anyone, or I will come after you and personally cut you.
Well, here's the context: it is Wednesday. Had a pretty good day, because Wednesdays have bio, lit, and english, which are the best subjects ever. Super love. Super chill. Chem remedial after school though, which meant I had to rush to get home in time for tuition.
It is raining. I decide to brave it out and walk home. Then, I decide to run.
Worst decision of my LIFE.
Suddenly I feel a kind of coldness around my bum area. Then, Amanda Choy from the other side of the road starts laughing. Amanda Choy who is walking with her friend Victoria Ng from 4M. I, on the other pavement across three rows of roads, can hear her loud and maniacal laughter. I immediately have this really horrible feeling, because that laugh is familiar. And with growing trepidation I reach out to wards my back and......
OH FREAKING HELL.
Yeah, you guessed it. My bare, naked butt cheeks are OUT for everyone in the whole bloody world to see. Clad in hot pink knickers. OF ALL COLOURS of my underwear, it HAD to be the one that was the most typical and the most obvious. And you guys have never seen my butt before, but I can assure you, it is NOT a pretty sight. It is a sad butt. A saggy butt. It resembles a cabbage. WHY didn't I just do all those squats??? Why couldn't I have been a Victoria's Secret model, so I could just have ripped off all my clothes and strut down the street nude????
Imagine this small girl running in the rain with her bag banging madly on her back and her pinafore hiked up. ALL THE WAY UP. You know those clueless primary school girls who walk into school with their skirts tucked up, invariably wearing some lacy knicker of sorts? Yeah, that was me. A 16 year old, fully grown teenager. My bare, wrinkly posterior was flashed to the entire MG population for at least 5 whole seconds, which I guarantee you, is approximately 6 years too long. Enough for Amanda to possibly snap a picture, given her crazed laughter, send it to every person on her contacts list, make it to the MGS Confessions page, and still have time for the school teacher behind her to snigger and think about it for the rest of the day.
I ran the rest of the way home- CLINGING ON TO THE SKIRT VERY TIGHTLY - and then screamed for a good 1 minute. SCREAMED. And wailed, and nearly burst into hysterical tears. Then decided I would rather be the one to tell everyone FIRST before it gets round that Lydia flashed her buns of steel brazenly right outside the school gates.
Because hey, you heard it from me first. You know the true story.
So many of these posts here are mopey, I wanted to liven things up with the little things in life. These are the snippets of time which we should try to gather like wildflowers, and one day we'll end up with a whole lovely bunch.
These are some flowers from this week.
- During PE when me and Claire were partners for badminton and it was really fun. Mrs.Chan got pissed at us and made us go downstairs in the hot sun, but it was actually a blessing in disguise, because we had a great time even in our uniforms. I sweat a lot but I also laughed a lot, Claire's one of those jokey people. Side note, Claire's actually one of the most honest people I've met. She doesn't dodge around the issue- she totally admitted that we weren't friends last year even though we were in the same clique, and I really appreciated that she didn't try to play out we were chummy or anything. It's the truth. Which goes to show she says it like she means it. So I was pretty happy when she said she hoped we'd end up in the same class again in JC. Me too, Claire. Me too. Plus, it was nice to play some badminton. I totally killed it.
- Thursday after school, a bunch of us were studying in school. Halfway through things got a bit mad. Anne wanted to dance and do yoga, and we were suddenly planning to have a sleepover in school, seriously discussing tactics to hide from the security guard. We discovered that Christabelle names her body parts,something like one of her elbows is Frederick?? Then Mrs.Cheong came to shoo us out at 6pm and Christabelle repeatedly yelled in protest, "I just got into the zone!" which was so funny because it was already 6 and she'd taken about 4 hours to "get into the zone".
- Chloe discovered someone had stepped on her bio booklet so we immediately blamed it on Denise. Denise = go to scapegoat for everything that happens. (Just kidding. I laugh a lot at Denise's jokes really.)
- Basically the whole of Saturday. I feel like I didn't adequately explain why Saturdays are precious to me in this post. Maybe it isn't possible. Anyway, the first thing is that I bumped into Lorraine at the Clementi busstop! She'd just had her 2 hour dragon-boating CCA, so we took took the bus together to church. I've mentioned Lorraine before in mentioned post and whatever I said still stands. She's one of the funniest people ever. And she didn't even get mad at me when I poked her nose with my pen, just laughed.
- Seeing my DG mates again also brightened up Saturday considerably. I love them a lot. Oh, and Rachel Lee came to join! Apprently her cousin (?) introduced her family to TBC. She might come every week now. I was so shocked to see her, but it's amazing if she joins because Rachel Lee is super funny as well. I remember laughing so much at her jokes in Korea last year. Like, she asked the market lady selling drinks how much was her ice. She literally took a handful of the ice and said, "how much?". And then at the buffet when we took too much food but the teachers had said we were to eat everything we'd taken, so she put all our extras in a bottle and STUFFED THE BOTTLE UNDER HER SHIRT AND RAN TO THE LOO. Who else would be Denise Teo's best friend, right?
- Shannon and Kevin Cheng (AKA the Cheng Mobile- I LOVE that nickname it is the cutest ever) wrote me little notes of encouragement. I sound so deadpan here but honestly I was super touched. They were only small notes but it made my day because it was so sweet that they'd taken time out of their day to think about me and bother about me, you know? Even Cheng Mobile, whom I don't know that well...how can people be so nice???
- Pris convinced me to crash 'Ties that Bind', so Jeannette, me, Ervin and the guy whose name I don't know formed our own table and called it 'the orphan table', it was so funny. I was very grateful actually because I'd totally been abandoned for dinner, plus it was so quiet in the well, that wasn't funny at all...zero motivation to do bio. But dinner was good. Any sort of company from church is always nice.
I could go on more but this is enough for one post. And, you know, it works, because I feel a lot better after typing this all out.
Holy Spirit, living Breath of God,
Breathe new life into my willing soul.
Bring the presence of the risen Lord
To renew my heart and make me whole.
Cause Your Word to come alive in me;
Give me faith for what I cannot see;
Give me passion for Your purity.
Holy Spirit, breathe new life in me.
Now that I don't have tumblr or Twitter all the word garbage goes here. In moments when I'm scared and frightened and alone I guess this is the only place there is to go. It's where there's only me, and where there's only me I can't make any mistakes.
It is so awful to make a mistake that concerns people. I hate getting the wrong kind of attention. It makes something inside shrivel up and die each time.
Like, yesterday during lit Mrs Choo asked who got 16 for the poem and being stupid me I raised up my hand before it registered she was asking poem. Not prose. Throughout the whole lesson I was thinking, why did I do that??? I didn't even do poem. She was asking for poem. Poem. The 16 marks poem wasn't me. And the whole class saw me and it wasn't me and now everyone will think I'm a show off even though I'm not, I'm nothing at lit anymore. I wanted so desperately to yell out "oh NO! I did prose, sorry", but how can Lydia Gan do that kind of thing where you call out whatever you want in class, like Claire?
Talking to Mr. Ling was a disaster too. The entire time I was so nervous, because he obviously thought I was some stupid small freaky girl who doesn't know two cents about math (which is true), and he had to tell me exactly what to do. At one point he even tossed the calculator on the table because I'd set it into degree mode, not radian. It was awful. Every particle of my body wanted to get away from him because I don't know how to talk properly. Speak loud enough. Know what's going on.
Then just now, making that joke about "crashing your consultation", and them just looking kind of blank and Mrs.Choo having that "what did you just say" look. I wanted to die the moment I said it and none of them laughed, in fact they looked a bit offended, like they couldn't believe I wanted to barge in. How I wanted to explain it wasn't serious, that I didn't realize they maybe wanted a private consultation, and it was perfectly alright for me to come another time, sorry for intruding. So I just sat in a chair outside and wished for a hole to come and swallow me up.
Well it hasn't. Which is why I'm sitting here typing it all down.
God....what is wrong with me.
Surely there's someone else who feels the same way too. Like you just want to stick to the status quo, and for once, feel like you are blissfully, completely, normal?
Shopping jaunts alone are officially a guilty pleasure. It has to be alone, because that makes you truly steeped into the essence of retail therapy, and not the added pretext of social interaction.
This is really only half of a haul, because I did buy some clothes for myself- but that'll be for a later post. For now, you can look at what I picked up for Ethel and Ku (my aunt)'s birthdays, which are both in September.
Wow, it's kinda weird knowing more people are reading this. It feels like I can't write about people / emotions as freely as before (I was scrolling through the posts and internally cringing- how does it feel for you?), but you know what, heck it. I love this space. I love all of you.
And I've also been loving some things as usual, so if you'd like to know what they are, then keep reading!
1. Glasses from Owndays. Yes, just more chance to wax lyrical about my glasses right? More like wax hysterical.
I think enough has been said about them, but they still deserve an honorable mention. There's just something about a good pair of specs that make you feel more confident and more at home. In the past, I used to hate wearing my glasses, which is stupid because obviously it's unavoidable. Now I can feel OK putting them on- that's no mean feat.
So thank you, Owndays. Thank you, spectacles. Also, thank you M for footing the bill, although she did say I need to pay her back for this (and she's serious).
2. Dental wax. Don't underestimate the power of this small and inconspicuous oral tool!!! Cait gave me this cute pink cased one, and thank goodness she did, because I don't know where I chucked the rest of mine. It's been a lifesaver.
Ulcers are bad enough, but slap on a few metal brackets and suddenly you have a baby of Satan rolling around in your mouth. Right now there's one having a mad time on my upper lip. Whenever I draw my lips back, i.e. to smile or eat, the ulcer-cum-Satan baby also rubs past the metal bracket, including one of the rubber band hooks.
Everything kind of disintegrates after that as I gasp and weep from the pain. Luckily, this doesn't happen everytime because of the dental wax. I just pinch off a huge glob, roll it between my fingers, and essentially squash it onto the metal bits, and voila! Mouth is pain free.
L / 18 / SG / undetermined
see here to find out more.
Your story is what you have, what you will always have. It is something to own.
last updated: 5 september