Just some really quick 5 minute thoughts on this week, or so they say Hell Week, because most of the O's exams start tomorrow. As you can probably tell I'm extremely freaking nervous because some genius decided to put A Math and Chem together again, obviously ignoring my strong telepathic messages to DON'T DO THAT FOR GOODNESS' SAKE because guess who failed BOTH for prelims??
While one on hand I feel like I'm completely past the point of saving, like so screwed that really only God can help me now, on the other I'm still holding on to the last dredges of hope that I can get a good score. Every single time I close my eyes and think about opening that damned results letter, all I can see is...well, a 7 pointer. Or something totally ridiculous like that. Even though I know that was long gone the minute I didn't start studying during June ....or watched Coffee Prince one week into O Levels.
It's just so hard to NOT get your hopes up on something this big. While my dreams of going to ACSI have pretty much died, and more realistically now I just want to get into ACJC at least (this is gonna come back and bite me on the ass I bet), there's still some tiny inch of hope that lingers. It's painful. It's painful to see a dream kind of die away.
Some people might be like, dont give up!!! The race isn't over yet!! My answer is: I know. And just for now, I will throw everything I am into this. But I also want to remember that sometimes you don't get what you want. That way you won't disintegrate when it doesn't turn out how you imagined it to be. The fall is shorter. The pain decreases.
I want to trust that God knows me best and that he had a plan when I did stupid things like watch Coffee Prince or fall asleep on the couch. Even if that plan is for me to go somewhere I would say, "over my dead body."
Tomorrow will be one of the biggest trust falls I've ever had, I think. I'm blooming nervous. I have no one but Him now.
And we are now at Ground Zero.
This is kind of an update for those who saw my last anxiety-ridden word vomit post which has been deleted. I know, it was freaky, but that's literally what goes on in my head when I get real stressy. Actually, it's worse, because I was struggling to even put those thoughts into words. Sometimes feelings are too abstract, you know?
I've been psycho-analysing that past few days and the conclusion is that I have not been laughing a lot. How happy I am is directly proportional to how much I've laughed in a day. Recently there has not been much laughter, which makes sense of my semi-moody spirits. There's just been a lot of forcing myself to go through E math papers (who knew that could be so draining? Honestly?? I enjoyed doing them so much more.) and pretty much hanging in there.
I was reminded of a great comfort by Sonya's post on Instagram-
"This is a particularly tough time for a lot of us....and I know it is so, so easy to feel completely overwhelmed and defeated. But I hope that you will find comfort in the assurance that God will be with you and that He is here for you, that you are loved more than you can ever imagine, and that life is so much more than numbers on paper.
You are not your grades, you are not your failures or your mistakes- you are not even your successes. Don't ever let the things of this world consume you, for you are first and foremost a child of God, and you are loved always."
Her words just put a wash of comfort over me like someone patched up my heart. We are all so tired and weary but the truth is that no matter what, no matter how, He up there is watching us and willing us to go on, and live this life as He prepared. He is my God and my creator and he loves me. Isn't it such a blessing to be able to say that? To trust that your creator is with you in all times, from now until forever, no matter the cost?
There's all kinds of different levels of faith, and I want to go right down to the bottom and put my everything in Him. Because that's really all that I am able to do. Without Him, I am nothing.
Tomorrow will speak for itself. It's the start of a long journey that I'm sure will feel like 2 seconds somehow.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the most high dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall.
God will help her at break of day.
1. My post O's schedule is one that's been making me VERY excited.
Firstly, no less than 3 days after the last exam, I'll be flying off to Shanghai with M! Em and Dorcas can't go because they'll still be having exams, so it'll just be me and my ol' mom. And my dad, but he's going to be working. WHOOPEEEE. I've never had a trip so close after exams end- usually I have to wait until late December or something...well, this year end is packed for sure.
Soon after that will be Youth Camp, which I'm pretty nervous about, but since XJ and Pris are coming hopefully it won't be so bad. Please PLEASE let at least one person I know be in my group. (Apparently they randomly sort you into groups.) But it also sounds really fun, so we'll see how it goes.
Then sometime in mid December we're going on a short trip to M'sia to visit grandparents, reasons explained later. The exciting thing is the New House is already done so we'll get to see it!! We saw it a few months back during CNY when it was all bare and still having works done, but the estate itself was amazing. It has 2 playgrounds, and it was SO fun playing with my cousins and riding bikes.
Saved the best for the last- no, actually it's just in chronological order- the family holiday of 2016 is Japan and Shanghai (again)!!! This one will stretch from Christmas to January, that's why we have to go to Malaysia beforehand because we usually celebrate Christmas with our relatives there. Not this time though. We're going to Tokyo, Kobe and Osaka. Japan is really beautiful, we're so lucky we get to go.
I love love going to cold places for holidays. It's not a product of living on the equator because Em hates being cold, she would rather a sunny beach in the Maldives over just a mild winter in Hong Kong. I'm the opposite, it's not a holiday for me if the weather isn't at least somewhat chilly.
Of course Saturday has to make it into the list. Yesterday was a pretty good day, because we managed to surprise XJ for her birthday this week! She got a bit high, too.
Jeannette baked that HUGE, amazing chocolate Nutella cake in the middle. I had the biggest slice of cake in my life and finished nearly all of it. Why are my DGLs so talented and smart?? I am practically an insignificant bean next to them ???
DG time was nice too as Shinee (sorry, no idea how its spelled) and Lorraine, the 99 girls, joined us. Shinee turned out to be super funny. She is a sweet tooth and she means it. She drinks chocolate milk tea with 100% sugar, pearls, AND ice cream in it. It's a wonder, really.
After dinner Nise kindly accompanied me in the Well all the way till 9, which I super appreciated, because it kinda sucks to do chem all by yourself. Even though she says she has lost hope and isn't doing well in school, I beg to differ, because she honestly is one of the most eloquent and intelligent people I've met. On the way home she was telling me about the book she's currently reading, on human psychology, how to combat mob mentality and how heuristics affect us. Plus she always knows the right things to say. School did a terrible job of making us feel lesser than we are, I think.
Saturdays have this effect of cheering me up a lot.
Today makes it onto the list because this is the first Sunday in a while that I haven't felt inexplicably sad or lonely.
In fact, I'm happy because there'll be ballet later, and we're going to have pizza for dinner.
Which is a pretty darn good thing, if you ask me.
Every Sunday, a different kind of sadness.
Sometimes it's like the weight of the world on your chest and you are suddenly Atlas, who is doomed to carry the sky forever you can't breathe you can't breathe and the same thoughts spin in your head over, over, over-
Yet other times, it is more like gently falling rain in the middle of spring. A garden of light flowers, soft sunlight spills into the room, and you are holding on.
Where you are is always the hardest part to live.
What makes a difference is realizing it's also the best part.
The past is dead and unchangeable, the future remains uncertain...let sleeping dogs lie
Nothing matters except what's here, what's now, that your heart is beating and you are so very much alive:
what is beautiful isn't what we always think it is.
L / 18 / SG / ACJC
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If you get everything you want the minute you want it, what's the point of living?
last updated: 5 september