One of the nicest days I've had in a long time since the post promos lectures started, and everyone started disappearing from my life one by one.
It's been even worse lately because the talks aren't about school subjects anymore, but on things like Interview Skills and Resume Writing and frankly, useless nonsense such as Online Etiquette- as if we haven't been nagged at ad nauseam since secondary school with all those awful videos.
I haven't seen much of my class, and when I did it was the few that I don't care about. Today, I caught Chieh Ling and Maryann! Nothing special, we just went for lunch at the MOE headquarters (ACJC really is in a very nice location) and chatted a bit. We missed Shannon and Jaimie- who was sleeping at HOME- but it was lovely all the same, and reminiscent of break. Ah, break. I want to poke the guys' eggs again.
Then dance started, the source of most of my conundrums as you are probably very familiar with. The only thing was that this time, it was GOOD. It was actually good!
Not in the overall sense because another guy got wrekt quite badly by Zaki, so the boys had it tough. I looked at the boy and felt a little sorry for him. I know how it feels. I know it in my bones, and you wouldn't wish it on anybody, unless that person was really lazy and possibly arrogant. Which he isn't. I'm lazy but not arrogant, and it was probably the same for him. Nonetheless, he had his work cut out for him, and while it was rough he will never forget this time, and he'll come back stronger because everyone who gets rekt only wants to go through it once. It's more than enough.
The best part was that Zaki passed the front part for Instruction, the all girls part. Also known as the part where I got DRAGGED THROUGH THE MUD for last lesson, which was 2 weeks ago. We did it and he didn't say a damn thing. About anyone! About me! I was internally delirious. Did he have sudden amnesia? Maybe he forgot how much he thumped his fist on the table that day? Blindness in one eye?
Whatever it is, I'll take it. It felt delicious. Every single time we danced that part, he rarely stopped the music to critique anyone or spew disparaging comments. Only to another girl. Honestly speaking, I felt pretty vindicated. I'm not a masochist- it was just the total relief that my problems weren't that big of problems anymore. That finally, I was performing. That I'm a good dancer.
It's all I've wanted to be since I was 13, and I think I'm finally hitting close to home.
my heart is filled with thankfulness to Him who bore my pain...
A short reflection, but something that crossed my mind today. You should look at this post where I talk about them more in depth and with relish.
After I suppose what has been about a year with them, I've inevitably grown fond of the boys as a whole and individually for every funny or stupid moment they bring. There's a sense of camaraderie I get that doesn't happen anywhere else- not family definitely, not church, not in dance either, where the males are just a little gay (just a little) and wacky and crazy, which is very fun but at the same time not very relatable. For the MD5 boys I find that I can make any sort of dead offensive joke and they won't take offence, and the likewise: they always tease me about my height or something of the other, and I never get hurt either, and thinking about that it's quite a rare thing, because I'm usually really sensitive.
Another significant factor is that the MD5 boys know me. Not super well or anything, nowhere near my close girlfriends, but at least they're aware of some of my quirks and weird habits and just take it in their stride. Like, Jarrett always lets me poke his egg (Aniq would say "You wanna poke this egg? No.") and I love to flame Zejian everyday and everyone knows my full-palm version of the middle finger.
It's only today I realized I can't or just don't replicate this relationship with guys elsewhere, for a reason I can't put my finger on. But if I were to say one, it would probably be time. Andy was sorta teasing me in Macs and I wanted to pull out the Lydia middle finger but realized it would look simply weird, and they wouldn't understand. And it's a bit awkward to start because we don't have enough time together to let it become a thing.
So today I missed the company of the MD5 muchachos, not that I will ever over my dead body let them know.
However, yesterday I was treated to the presence of Nise, one of those above stipulated close girlfriends, at Muchachos, the vibrant Mexican restaurant residing in Keong Saik road. It's another one of those meetings that feel vaguely clandestine, and I kept getting story-book vibes because it felt like a place which becomes more than a place. Do you get what I'm saying? Like it was more than a restaurant- it could easily have been someone's first date, where your love evolved from young romance into a wedding proposal and way beyond. Where special relationships are formed and last forever.
Or it could have been a silly romantic soul reading too much into her chicken burrito. Nonetheless, the food was yummy and the companionship priceless. So I look forward to the next time I see my friends again.
It's 1am and I'm on a Starbucks vanilla nougat mocha frappe high, which means I am wide awake even though I'd normally have crashed 3 hours ago. It also means it's perfect time to do a life update because such a lot has happened in the space of these few weeks.
Firstly, promos results. I wasn't scared of not-promoting. In fact, I was quite certain of my scores and rather accurately too. I knew from the beginning that ELL was not going to be the 100th percentile again. (CAs were too lousy, and so was P1SA.) I knew that GP would drastically improve because my essay got a miraculously good score. And, I was fully aware that Chemistry would earn a whopping U, even though I wished with all my heart for a simple S. Things don't turn out as you like them to, clearly.
Is it possible to have something meet your expectations but still be disappointed? Because that's what it felt like. Everything had gone pretty much as planned, except my emotions didn't match up to this- it felt as if I expected all A's and got a straight run of mediocre grades instead.
I felt absurdly sad at missing honor's roll and being offered H3 Lit. It was sore to contemplate my crappy Chem grade and marvel at how it ruined the report card. Black sheep of the family.
But life gives you shit all the time. That's not an excuse to cry (for too long), because you'll miss out on all the other things too. Like the fact that your Chem teacher still has faith in you and is willing to stick through extra lessons the whole of next year just to earn you a pass, your dream; and walks you to CCA- a guardian angel if I've ever met one.
Also, today was one of the happier days. Dance has been quite a wreck recently as some of you may know. Getting yelled at by Zaki is highly highly unpleasant and dissolves me into a dithering fool, and I suffer the aftermath with aching muscles. Oh jeez, how painful. After technique class with Ms Wee today it hurts in even more places, which I didn't think was possible. However, doing the exercises still felt good- on a more psychological level- and if I can survive this, I can do anything.
Grabbed some dinner with Denise after that which is one of the best antidotes to a grueling dance sesh, I think. It was nothing fancy, just food court fare with the masses, but I laughed and enjoyed myself so much it could well have been a 5-star hotel restaurant offering impeccable service. Following that we went to church for the intergenerational worship event. There's about a hundred different ways you could spend a Friday night (most involving some kind of alcohol or club or party) but little else beats singing your heart out in the house of God, in the wise words of a GCG (Good Christian Girl).
And I met the most adorable little boy today, baby Elliot, whom I would whisk into my arms and run off with if it wasn't completely illegal and terrorize his mother along with it. As the rain poured and thunder BOOMED he jumped and I put my arm around him but he wasn't really that afraid- just opened his eyes wider and said, "that was LOUD! I heard that one," as if it was such a fascinating work of nature, which maybe at that age everything is.
It was a beautiful night...still is.
L / 18 / SG / ACJC
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last updated: 5 september