It's officially been more than a week since starting JC. It was everything like it was said to be: fast, crazy, as if God had stuck out his hand and swirled it into the universe, upending everything, and I watched my constructed world break apart into a void where I could not reach.
It all started with orientation. Ugh, orientation. I hated my first orientation because I wasn't happy at all during it. (Sec 1 orientation was the absolute worst and scarred me forever.) Everyone was as expected quite dreary and shy, while our OGLs were running around like on drugs, especially Antriksh- I laughed multiple times because he yelled so hard during cheers his eyes kind of bugged out and he sounded like a barbarian. Oh, not forgetting Joel, the Pyralis clan leader, who has endless amounts of SWAG I can't even comprehend, and is cute to boot. (Thank God no one in AC knows about this blog.)
I was for a large proportion of the time quietly depressed for several reasons. It seemed like the only friend I had was Janice, because some of the girls hung out together so only a couple of us were left awkwardly socialising. Then the boys were another matter entirely. Oh, the BOYS. At moments I wanted to punch them yet other times they were funny. The main problem was that they were safe in their own jock-y testosterone filled paradise, which pissed me off. Here I was, STRIDING out of my comfort zone- it takes so much to put myself out there with, essentially, a bunch of strangers- oh, I don't know. It just felt like there was a patriarchy in ACJC and they had automatically contributed to it. Boys rule in this school, honestly. So many boys hold high up leadership positions and / or are popular with crowds of friends. Where is the girl power? Where are my funny, charming, smart girls?
But there were good times too. I met and made friends with a lovely girl Jia Xin, who giggles a lot. Sharyn also, brightening up the day with her never ending laughter and antics. That time after public Zumba when some of us girls talked to Yuze plus Colin, and we took a photo together. I discovered Yuze was one of the nicest guys in the OG, and for all of Colin's through the grapevine stories, he was a friendly guy, sometimes even chivalrous, which makes me think: there's surely more of that niceness somewhere. OG outing to the tramp park, where we watched Winston do his freaky gymnastics stunts....plus see Ant get mortally injured.
Then there was today, which I really will remember for a very long time, because for once I felt like I belonged somewhere, in AC.
I suggested playing cards because I'd been bringing them for days but either no one brought it up or we didn't have time. So a couple of us headed to Heaven (top floor of an AC building) since poker cards aren't allowed. In fact for a while the only girls were Sharyn and I, which is weird, but not so weird thinking about it because the other girls didn't even want to play. Then we played.
That's IT. We just played.
Maybe just playing is an understatement. We laughed, joked around, made digs at Yuze, made digs at Linus, did Taiti, did Cheat, made digs at Shawn, made digs at Winston. Made digs at Sharyn. My cards got complimented because they are pretty damn cute. Colin took out his ginormous deck as well, which was hilarious, they're as big as my face almost.
It was probably nothing to them, but to me it was the whole world. Because I always had a dream of finding somewhere in AC that I can be happy and safe. Somewhere or somepeople, either one, or they go hand in hand. Up till this point there was nothing. Nobody. Not even the MG girls because it's just not the same. We aren't in MG anymore. We have to grow up.
And so today it felt like I finally found a place. Whether I'm dreaming, or it's real, I don't know.
But I'm just going to keep being a fool who dreams because that dream is all I've got.
L / 18 / SG / undetermined
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last updated: 5 september