A much better day. There are some periods in life when everything seems to be going right, and some where everything is just so wrong, and then there is a right old mixture, which is rather baffling, but you'll take what you can get.
Today started off on a rather shaky note, because I had to go through my chem paper with Aaron and it felt quite bad. He's been such a great teacher, and I'm not exaggerating one bit, he and Ms. So are like my saviors in chemistry, by not only being really good teachers at the subject, but also being very supportive and encouraging. I'm a pretty bad tuition student to be honest, if I wake up being upset from something that happened yesterday or am just tired, I'll show it plainly, and Aaron has never responded to that- he's his jolly chipper self, and always manages to make me laugh. Ms So too, I've almost cried in front of her multiple times (from stress) but she's damn patient and sensitive to it.
And I had disappointed them both with getting a U. Again. Ah, the sucky U life. Underperformer. Unbelievabl-y awful. Utterly horrible. Which made me almost cry again, but I didn't shed a single tear- it stayed in my eyes.
I could go on and on about school and grades, but let's save that for another day. The sunshiney bits:
Church today was really nice, a shining example that His house is one of the best places for restoration. It was a balm to the soul singing praise and just kind of realigning my spirit to the Word again, because it always seems to go skew-whiff in the course of the week, pushed around by the din of school crowded with students' voices and clanky plates in the canteen.
The main point of sermon today I think, was relating God back to our own identity. It's something I remember learning in Proverbs and part of Romans, and it's a very significant doctrine because it can change the entire way you perceive and experience life. Ervin preached about how we aren't who we think we are- not our grades, our looks, our age, our race- rather, we are who God thinks we are. I love how every aspect of life is directed back to Him, how everything is so accounted for; it's as if this creator of ours is as involved as he can possibly be.
Significantly, that means that 'our distress only happens if God wills it.' I've definitely had a fair bit to go through these few weeks, a bit like someone chucking peeled oranges at me one after another and they just keep going faster, but knowing that my Father actually planned all of it and approved of it happening, and having hope that these trials will bring me to a better place, or condition, or person, is just about the most comforting knowledge to behold. I think it's a huge privilege to be able to rejoice when you're in a bad place because you can count on your Creator, safe in the fact that you are not alone. That doesn't mean we definitely get whatever we want, and all troubles will bring the most obvious good ending. But His choices are perfect, and so if we don't see the outcome as good in our own humanly terms, we know that it still is good because He is perfect.
Mel said that 'there is value in suffering', which is a beautiful sentence to me. We don't go through tough times for no reason. That would be stupid and inefficient, and God is anything but. The biggest suffering, undergone by Jesus, gave us the best blessing!!
I'm still learning to let the things of earth grow strangely dim because none of that should dictate who I am or how much I am worth. All of our faith, love, and joy should be derived from Christ and be manifestations of our personal response towards Him. /
Who am I, that the lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?
L / 18 / SG / undetermined
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last updated: 5 september