The tail end of this week has seen me kind of plunging into the depths of low spirits because a lot of things have prompted an ongoing internal turmoil, that concerns what I realize is one of my biggest fears and insecurities.
It began on Monday (even though I was deliciously happy up till Wednesday) with Zaki veto-ing Sam and I's duet for Bailamos, which really shouldn't be a problem but it IS because we have very different ideas of what the dance should be like and about. There've been numerous talks these few days leading to nowhere, and I'm scared that it won't conclude with anything, that we can't find a compromise. As much as I want to choreograph for what may be my last ever dance concert, it won't cut it to dance about a subject I have zero passion for. So this is one of the problems that's been niggling me night after night.
The main thing that's been weighing down on me is my pure averageness, as in mediocrity of being a human being. The world has changed much from secondary school, that's for sure, and it's only now that I realize what a big pool JC is from the tiny pond that was secondary school, where everyone knew everyone in the level, and by virtue of that you are somebody.
I was happy at the end of MG-life because I'd finally found my place. Not in the smartest class, but in a good clique that could have fun together, in a CCA where I could practice responsibility in exco duties (being a follower for most of my life excluding that brief period in P5), and getting top grades sometimes.
In JC I feel like that window for excellence has just shrunk exponentially. I only get good scores once in a blue moon, and even then I know it's not an accurate representation because for that one good mark there are hundreds of others who did exceptionally better than me. I didn't manage to get into dance exco, which to this day is still one of the biggest disappointments in my life. And in most other areas I'm just so average. Neither here nor there- not that I'd like to be on the other end and doing badly, but this life of mediocrity really freaks me out because I have never wanted to lead an ordinary life. I thought I was destined for something better than this. A better status, better grades, better looks. Yet this is me now. An un-outstanding little girl, on the whole.
A huge contributing factor to this self-evaluation is my constant comparing of others to myself. Unconsciously, I do this everyday, studying the similarities between me and so-and-so, drawing up our differences, analyzing which areas she seems to be achieving better in, wondering why I can't be like that. For everything. Looks, popularity, leadership, grades. And not just one girl. Many. Just anyone whom I think I should be up to par with but tragically am not.
The point of contention is that I am not supposed to feel this way. Because if I do, that means the biggest element of me would be myself, and that isn't what being a Christian is about. God should be sovereign. Jesus should be the loudest thing about me. The bible says that my worth is not in what I own, not in the strength of flesh and bone, not in skill or name, not in pride or shame....it's in the blood of Christ at the cross.
He tells me I'm valuable just as I am and that He loves me. The idea is kind of ridiculous because I am so plain and normal. And I wish to the heavens I wasn't. So I don't want to accept that this is the level I should be at right now and it is how things should be.
I still don't know whether it's selfish to think and feel this way. I want to be completely okay with just being lil ol' me, who isn't a stunner or much of a looker- this is my place in the universe, that it's what God has in plan for me. In the grand scheme of everything I'm just a tiny speck of dust; stardust at best. I know. But my selfish heart wants more more more. Because I'm scared of losing out on what the world says constructs your worth. I'm frightened of just being..me.
L / 18 / SG / ACJC
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If you get everything you want the minute you want it, what's the point of living?
last updated: 5 september