GOD. Ok, so the most embarrassing thing just happened, and this may even trump that time Ultimate Lemon auditioned for MGActs and didn't get in. Or that thing in P2 when I accidentally said 'she's gone to pee' in Cantonese to my friend. Ok, maybe not as bad.
Me and Chloe and Germaine were just walking out of class when some girls were doing interviews for National Day, which is next Monday. So of course being Chloe and Germaine they yelled excitedly and clamored for the camera. I was excited too, because it seemed like quite a fun thing being on a video that's screened to the whole school. oh HOW VERY WRONG I WAS.
We had to pick a question each and answer them in front of the camera. That's where everything went to pieces. I thought I could just smile and nod benignly while they chattered away. It's their thing. My thing is to laugh at all the right places. And don't come at me with the Perks of Being A Wallflower stuff about 'participating' and all that, because sometimes it's really difficult to make it a reality, OK?
I should have known this was coming. The fact that absolutely nothing came to my mind while pondering the questions was already a dead giveaway. Nevermind that I was terrified of having the camera specifically on me- that I couldn't be funny, or witty, or charming, and I couldn't even think of anything seriously deep either.
Protesting didn't work. I went as far as sitting down with them at the table. But even before the camera started rolling I straight out burst into tears. I cried in front of Chloe, in front of Germaine, in front of all the Sec 3s who were filming it. One of them had to come round and give me a hug, I was such a scene. Heck.
What a huge fiasco. Only God knows, but it may have been an anxiety attack.
I've hesitated from terming or actually putting a name to what I feel for a very, very long time because there's simply no way of telling if it's actually what I think it is.
The thing is, I'm starting to get kind of scared. It's not the first time. It's one of the many. At one end, I'm so sure that I actually have an anxiety or social anxiety problem while the other end is full of "are you sure? REALLY? You suffer from ALL of these symptoms? You're not just making it up to be pretentious and romanticize mental disorders?" BUT THEN WHY DO I FEEL THIS WAY? Can someone please put an end to the mystery?
When the anxiousness, or whatever it is- takes over, your mind goes strangely blank and haywire at the same time. There's nothing but the impending doom of your problem. It's a bottomless pit of What's The Worst That Can Happen, over and over over. I wish it would just disappear. I wish I just knew what it was.
L / 18 / SG / ACJC
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If you get everything you want the minute you want it, what's the point of living?
last updated: 5 september