18 september '18; a discovery
I'm like 90% over Tokio (my open code name for Karlok because I'm an absolute idiot romanticist), but there are moments when he'll suddenly enter my thoughts and I'll be like WHY. I'm still in love with the thought of him- this Tokio, a figment of my imagination. Because of course real Karlok isn't like that. He doesn't conform to my mind's eye; he's his own person.
Well, on Monday his class happened to be seated in front of mine because of special assembly. Monday is also chapel day, where we have proper service with worship and sermon. We launched into worship, with Andre leading the band, for memory's sake. And then I realized something extraordinary.
He was singing. Tokio, Karlok, whatever. He was singing! And it was amazing because I never knew Karlok was a Christian. Ok, I don't think he really is- to my knowledge he doesn't attend church, plus he's made fun at religious stuff before, and for all his openness he's never mentioned Christianity as any part of his ethos. But if he was singing, it means some part of Christianity has made it into his heart. Maybe just the comfort of the tunes and lyrics, or a tiny part of him believes in this same God I do.
It made me so happy I kind of just broke into a smile involuntarily, like a fool.
Him being a sort of Believer makes it harder for me to get over him, because I can't use the non-belief as a defense mechanism. But it means he is saved. If not now, sometime in the future, because I know He'll work in him and do great things. He's already started. And I really pray that He'll take root and give Karlok all the blessings he can have.
If I can't have him, at least God does, completely. When I think about it, that's more than enough for me.
L x
Well, on Monday his class happened to be seated in front of mine because of special assembly. Monday is also chapel day, where we have proper service with worship and sermon. We launched into worship, with Andre leading the band, for memory's sake. And then I realized something extraordinary.
He was singing. Tokio, Karlok, whatever. He was singing! And it was amazing because I never knew Karlok was a Christian. Ok, I don't think he really is- to my knowledge he doesn't attend church, plus he's made fun at religious stuff before, and for all his openness he's never mentioned Christianity as any part of his ethos. But if he was singing, it means some part of Christianity has made it into his heart. Maybe just the comfort of the tunes and lyrics, or a tiny part of him believes in this same God I do.
It made me so happy I kind of just broke into a smile involuntarily, like a fool.
Him being a sort of Believer makes it harder for me to get over him, because I can't use the non-belief as a defense mechanism. But it means he is saved. If not now, sometime in the future, because I know He'll work in him and do great things. He's already started. And I really pray that He'll take root and give Karlok all the blessings he can have.
If I can't have him, at least God does, completely. When I think about it, that's more than enough for me.
L x
8 july '18; getting mad at W
a whole long post which got deleted accidentally, so just a marker of what happened.
5 june '18; you're the fire and the flood
Two songs have been my earworm, I've been completely obsessed with them.
1) Waves, Dean Lewis
2) Fire and the Flood, Vance Joy
Someone put them side by side in a playlist on Spotify and I feel like it just goes so well together. They complement each other perfectly: at once I'm sad, then sort of vindicated when Joy starts singing. Like a liberation. But they're associated with Bailamos, which is for now associated to stupid Karlok, which means I think about him way more than I should.
I know I'm going to get over him one day. It wasn't even real, so I dunno why this feels hard. I wish I was Lisbeth Salander and I could mercilessly tear someone out from my life with utter precision and not an inch of hesitation like she did to Blomkvist. No exceptions.
It just randomly occurred to me that one day too my final significant other might read this page. And he'll laugh at all the dumb and immature feelings or opinions I had towards these junior college boys, hardly even men. I would have probably written about him before he sees this, so we'll laugh together and I can reminisce about these times to him, when I thought this gym boy in my OG was cute and really liked me, when I decided I didn't like him back and instead started fancying a wild card from ACDance, who's hopelessly out of my reach. I'm saying one day these will all become stories. Kinda can't wait till that happens.
Ly xxx
1) Waves, Dean Lewis
2) Fire and the Flood, Vance Joy
Someone put them side by side in a playlist on Spotify and I feel like it just goes so well together. They complement each other perfectly: at once I'm sad, then sort of vindicated when Joy starts singing. Like a liberation. But they're associated with Bailamos, which is for now associated to stupid Karlok, which means I think about him way more than I should.
I know I'm going to get over him one day. It wasn't even real, so I dunno why this feels hard. I wish I was Lisbeth Salander and I could mercilessly tear someone out from my life with utter precision and not an inch of hesitation like she did to Blomkvist. No exceptions.
It just randomly occurred to me that one day too my final significant other might read this page. And he'll laugh at all the dumb and immature feelings or opinions I had towards these junior college boys, hardly even men. I would have probably written about him before he sees this, so we'll laugh together and I can reminisce about these times to him, when I thought this gym boy in my OG was cute and really liked me, when I decided I didn't like him back and instead started fancying a wild card from ACDance, who's hopelessly out of my reach. I'm saying one day these will all become stories. Kinda can't wait till that happens.
Ly xxx
2 june '18; there was someone else
So Bailamos has just ended and I'm stuck in this pool of already fading memories, ones that I'll treasure forever- but there's this one boy which might linger a little longer than the rest.
It's not Donovan, though he was a good friend this whole while, and really courteous at having a crush on me. If Sam hadn't been keeping me updated, I wouldn't really have known, or like maybe suspected but not confirmed. No, but it's the boy who did an item with both Donovan and I in it.
Karlok, my Miss choreographer. It came on quite suddenly, like really recently only in the past few weeks or something leading up to Bailamos. And I'm quite sure it's one of those infatuation things- I'm in love with the idea of Karlok, the one in my head, not the actual him. I like the outside him: straightforwardly, he's handsome, extremely funny, gets along well with everyone, dances good, is really smart, and is just such a fine specimen of a human male all around. Also I think he's deep (or at least pesudo-deep). I mean, what kind of person would dream up such a sad and cry-worthy item for his swansong in AC, and tears / cries whenever we danced it. I think he feels a lot. That's part of why I'm attracted to him.
The reason I feel it so strongly is probably because I know I'm never gonna see him again. Bailamos is over, irrevocably over, and that means I'm going to see all of the dancers way less; some not at all. I don't even know if the bimbos will ever meet up in the future. That means all of my dance 'fam' is practically already gone. For me, that's why I was so sad yesterday and burst into sobs after the j2 item, because I knew it was slipping away from me too quick. Way too quick. And if everyone searched their hearts I'm sure they would have realized that was the reason too; why Jia Qing shed tears even before This Is Me began and why Karlok himself cried on stage. We're never going to hang out again, dance to the same music, stack chars in the hall, laugh at the same jokes or just be together anymore. And the same goes with the rest of them too.
If he asked me right now, to go out with him or something, I dunno- I'd probably say yes. At the very least I would be excited like a little girl over it. Which is the scariest part because I'm almost ready to defy all my Christian beliefs for him, for someone who's maybe not even real (Outside Karlok). I thought to myself yesterday, it's not fair that my religion bars me from certain kinds of happiness. If Jac can date Yunsun, who's not a Christian, or even Dorcas dating Remus, what's to stop me from getting together with let's say Donovan? Any old guy who likes me and I don't mind giving a chance to?
But then I guess that kind of happiness isn't meant for me. And this is all a figment of my imagination anyway, because Karlok definitely doesn't like me back, for starters. Amongst a load of other reasons why we are not compatible.
So that's all for Lee Karlok. It was a good run, and I really will miss you, at least for a little while.
Ly xxx
It's not Donovan, though he was a good friend this whole while, and really courteous at having a crush on me. If Sam hadn't been keeping me updated, I wouldn't really have known, or like maybe suspected but not confirmed. No, but it's the boy who did an item with both Donovan and I in it.
Karlok, my Miss choreographer. It came on quite suddenly, like really recently only in the past few weeks or something leading up to Bailamos. And I'm quite sure it's one of those infatuation things- I'm in love with the idea of Karlok, the one in my head, not the actual him. I like the outside him: straightforwardly, he's handsome, extremely funny, gets along well with everyone, dances good, is really smart, and is just such a fine specimen of a human male all around. Also I think he's deep (or at least pesudo-deep). I mean, what kind of person would dream up such a sad and cry-worthy item for his swansong in AC, and tears / cries whenever we danced it. I think he feels a lot. That's part of why I'm attracted to him.
The reason I feel it so strongly is probably because I know I'm never gonna see him again. Bailamos is over, irrevocably over, and that means I'm going to see all of the dancers way less; some not at all. I don't even know if the bimbos will ever meet up in the future. That means all of my dance 'fam' is practically already gone. For me, that's why I was so sad yesterday and burst into sobs after the j2 item, because I knew it was slipping away from me too quick. Way too quick. And if everyone searched their hearts I'm sure they would have realized that was the reason too; why Jia Qing shed tears even before This Is Me began and why Karlok himself cried on stage. We're never going to hang out again, dance to the same music, stack chars in the hall, laugh at the same jokes or just be together anymore. And the same goes with the rest of them too.
If he asked me right now, to go out with him or something, I dunno- I'd probably say yes. At the very least I would be excited like a little girl over it. Which is the scariest part because I'm almost ready to defy all my Christian beliefs for him, for someone who's maybe not even real (Outside Karlok). I thought to myself yesterday, it's not fair that my religion bars me from certain kinds of happiness. If Jac can date Yunsun, who's not a Christian, or even Dorcas dating Remus, what's to stop me from getting together with let's say Donovan? Any old guy who likes me and I don't mind giving a chance to?
But then I guess that kind of happiness isn't meant for me. And this is all a figment of my imagination anyway, because Karlok definitely doesn't like me back, for starters. Amongst a load of other reasons why we are not compatible.
So that's all for Lee Karlok. It was a good run, and I really will miss you, at least for a little while.
Ly xxx
23 mar '18; I'm sucker for good hair
And that shows I haven't changed single bit since 12 year old me dreaming about cute boys holding my hand. It's all still the same, years on, when I'm 18 and surrounded by opportunities for that. I could, if I wanted to. And I do want to. But part of it is only because they have good hair, and I want to be selfish and have someone special love me. As if God wasn't enough.
It's the almost 1 year anniversary of this secret garden, can you imagine! And things are still the same- it makes me feel strange. Like something would have happened by now: either I'd gotten together with Winston, or we drifted apart, or (the best possible scenario) I'm completely resolved and am not attracted to anyone.
But I haven't managed to do that for a whole year, so I think it's hard. I still like Winston and Zejian in their own ways, W for being the sweet stupid boy that grows on me bit by bit, and ZJ for his hilariousness and aloofness, both so polar. Sometimes I wonder if Zejian likes me, and it would be pretty embarrassing if he doesn't, because my feelings (though not very serious) would be one sided. That's quite funny actually, but only cos it's my secret.
Maybe one day I'll tell him, after A levels, just cos I think he deserves to know. It's not all that bad to know someone likes you or has liked you. Speaking from my point of view, it kind of gives me some gratification: that I have enough attractiveness to be attractive to someone. That's not a bad thing right? And hopefully by then I'll have completely moved on.
Well, that's not for a long time coming.
Thank goodness my feelings have stabilised though.
It's the almost 1 year anniversary of this secret garden, can you imagine! And things are still the same- it makes me feel strange. Like something would have happened by now: either I'd gotten together with Winston, or we drifted apart, or (the best possible scenario) I'm completely resolved and am not attracted to anyone.
But I haven't managed to do that for a whole year, so I think it's hard. I still like Winston and Zejian in their own ways, W for being the sweet stupid boy that grows on me bit by bit, and ZJ for his hilariousness and aloofness, both so polar. Sometimes I wonder if Zejian likes me, and it would be pretty embarrassing if he doesn't, because my feelings (though not very serious) would be one sided. That's quite funny actually, but only cos it's my secret.
Maybe one day I'll tell him, after A levels, just cos I think he deserves to know. It's not all that bad to know someone likes you or has liked you. Speaking from my point of view, it kind of gives me some gratification: that I have enough attractiveness to be attractive to someone. That's not a bad thing right? And hopefully by then I'll have completely moved on.
Well, that's not for a long time coming.
Thank goodness my feelings have stabilised though.
15 feb '18; the only exception
So this Valentines I actually went out on a date. I can try to cover it up and put all sorts of names on it, but this is the fact of the matter: it was a date. And I was the one who made it happen, which completely defies my whole prudish rule about not going out on dates. I've been out with Winston a couple times before, but this one was different. not just because it's bloody Valentine's Day...ok, maybe because it's bloody Valentine's Day. And we went to the beach. But it was nothing romantic, for me. We didn't hug or hold hands or anything, and I didn't want to at all.
I told him we could hang out on the 14th night for three quite specific reasons.
1) He wasn't in school for the NS health checkup, so he couldn't pass me his present for Valentines personally. He was going to leave it in the locker, but it just seemed wrong to me, like he's Santa or something and I can expect a neatly wrapped parcel to drop through the chimney every special occasion. I thought I should give him the chance to hand it to me, so he can do it properly the way it should be for a present. Plus, it would be embarrassing for both of us for him to gift me something in school with everyone watching. A compromise has to be made.
2) On the topic of chance, something he said last year kind of struck me, and it was that if we don't hang out together then how will we know? While I don't completely agree, there's a ring of truth in it: we can wait until we have all the time in the world, but we could save that time if we figure it out before that happens. It means I can get to know him and reconcile my thoughts so when push comes to shove I have a definite answer for him. Yes or no. Let's try or we will never work out. And I think this way it will save both of us from unnecessary heartache. That's not to say we should date now, or even go on anymore dates. But chances are justifiable. Sometimes I need to give him, and us, opportunities.
3) If this reason had a title it would be called Hot Young Bloods. It's the most superficial of the three, and basically it is that I just wanted to have plans on Valentines. 14th Feb was unfortunately not a Shauna Wednesday, so I couldn't spend it with my best friend, and the other options: third-wheeling my parents, calling up Cait for a money splashing trip in Orchard, or meeting my sister at her slightly depressing workplace- seemed a little lacking. I'm 17, almost 18. I have never been on a Valentine's date. I don't want to grow up and have my story go: oh yes, Lydia, she was a very controlled person, always stuck to the status quo, had her first sip of alcohol only at 18. I want to live.
And maybe part of that means breaking some of your own rules. It means dressing up alone on a Wednesday evening trying to look pretty yet effortless. Going out to a mall, eating ramen, talking about random things, a torturous cycling session to a godforsaken beach in Sentosa, and a boy who is trying desperately to romance you, which he doesn't do successfully, but the effort is what makes me come back every time.
Ly xxx
I told him we could hang out on the 14th night for three quite specific reasons.
1) He wasn't in school for the NS health checkup, so he couldn't pass me his present for Valentines personally. He was going to leave it in the locker, but it just seemed wrong to me, like he's Santa or something and I can expect a neatly wrapped parcel to drop through the chimney every special occasion. I thought I should give him the chance to hand it to me, so he can do it properly the way it should be for a present. Plus, it would be embarrassing for both of us for him to gift me something in school with everyone watching. A compromise has to be made.
2) On the topic of chance, something he said last year kind of struck me, and it was that if we don't hang out together then how will we know? While I don't completely agree, there's a ring of truth in it: we can wait until we have all the time in the world, but we could save that time if we figure it out before that happens. It means I can get to know him and reconcile my thoughts so when push comes to shove I have a definite answer for him. Yes or no. Let's try or we will never work out. And I think this way it will save both of us from unnecessary heartache. That's not to say we should date now, or even go on anymore dates. But chances are justifiable. Sometimes I need to give him, and us, opportunities.
3) If this reason had a title it would be called Hot Young Bloods. It's the most superficial of the three, and basically it is that I just wanted to have plans on Valentines. 14th Feb was unfortunately not a Shauna Wednesday, so I couldn't spend it with my best friend, and the other options: third-wheeling my parents, calling up Cait for a money splashing trip in Orchard, or meeting my sister at her slightly depressing workplace- seemed a little lacking. I'm 17, almost 18. I have never been on a Valentine's date. I don't want to grow up and have my story go: oh yes, Lydia, she was a very controlled person, always stuck to the status quo, had her first sip of alcohol only at 18. I want to live.
And maybe part of that means breaking some of your own rules. It means dressing up alone on a Wednesday evening trying to look pretty yet effortless. Going out to a mall, eating ramen, talking about random things, a torturous cycling session to a godforsaken beach in Sentosa, and a boy who is trying desperately to romance you, which he doesn't do successfully, but the effort is what makes me come back every time.
Ly xxx
23 jan '18; updates
Since the last time I talked about Zejian, this is a follow up on that. Nothing has happened! Thank goodness. I feel like we got closer over the holidays, but that's a slight illusion because really we only interacted online. We followed each others' spams and snapchatted more. But in school, he's gotten more reclusive. He doesn't come down often for recess with the class, preferring to study in the library instead. When I asked him why, he said it's to avoid Jarrett, this other guy in class. It made me feel sad to hear that, because it's as if he has no friends in class or something. I wanted to tell him to just ignore Jarrett and talk to us, but I knew it would be taken way out of context, mistaken for love maybe. I've decided I don't like him that way. But I do like him as a friend and I care about him.
The reason I've decided it was a fleeting attraction is because more and more these days I think about gym boy. I will never forget the swimming episode where I was in true horror, but Winston is just a package. He is as cute as the first time we met in Orientation, and his hair is even better (it was really bad in early J1). He's stayed kind of wrapped around my finger since last year, and that kind of not-so innocent power trip is heady. From the bottom of my corrupted heart. Sometimes, I think about the future: about how one day I wouldn't mind going out together to do things other than eat or study, how I might write him a letter when he goes to NS. Stupid fantasies about a world where there is we. Which is scary.
But, I like the waiting too.
ly xxx
The reason I've decided it was a fleeting attraction is because more and more these days I think about gym boy. I will never forget the swimming episode where I was in true horror, but Winston is just a package. He is as cute as the first time we met in Orientation, and his hair is even better (it was really bad in early J1). He's stayed kind of wrapped around my finger since last year, and that kind of not-so innocent power trip is heady. From the bottom of my corrupted heart. Sometimes, I think about the future: about how one day I wouldn't mind going out together to do things other than eat or study, how I might write him a letter when he goes to NS. Stupid fantasies about a world where there is we. Which is scary.
But, I like the waiting too.
ly xxx
28 dec; a different sort of love
25 nov; close shave
Something really strange happened yesterday, a very close shave with Zejian from class. Something I've never told anyone except for Dorcas before, is that I sort of fancy him, in a way that I've never fancied anyone before. I like him not because he's good looking or even remotely handsome- at best, he's slightly cute in a nerdy way, at worst..well, he's not tops in the looks department. So I haven't fallen because he's got a good 6 pack or is conventionally attractive.
It's because I simply enjoy the time I spend with him. Putting it that way makes it sound as if we go out on dates, but that's completely not the case. I mean the times spent in school, together with our class. We don't have long heart to hearts or anything, but we just joke around and insult each other. The deepest conversation we've had must have been the music one, or maybe about promo grades after getting them back on that day. Regardless, I always thank my lucky stars if we sit next to each other for assembly or breaks because I know he's good fun, a bag of laughs.
And sometimes I catch myself wondering if there could be anything more than that. Short answer is NO, because he's not a Christian. Long answer is my feelings aren't really clear and at the back of my mind there's a niggling thought. Zejian. Frisbee boy. A true blue Singaporean beng. And somehow I like him a little bit.
But I've always controlled these feelings to a tee, with the cold precision I try to apply to all boys. Until last night. We were bantering on Snapchat. I complained that he always says mean things to me (which is true), to which he replied:
lydia
you are really pretty
I appreciate you as a human being
:)
I sat there stunned at the small screen. And a lot of things went through my head. Most of all my heart was beating really fast. I don't think a guy has ever so straight-forwardly called me pretty before, not even Winston. You are really pretty. I was quite speechless.
This morning, I tentatively texted him to clarify things in my own way. He seemed quite blase about the whole thing. He clarified that he does appreciate me- to a certain extent. (I didn't dare ask about the pretty thing.) Which supposedly means it's not what I think it is. He was not trying to confess his feelings, if there are any.
Still, I'm convinced I wasn't totally wrong. Boys don't go around telling every girl this kind of thing, right? Especially when their relationship has been nothing but jokey friends? Do they?
Well, I gave him a chance and he didn't take it, so that's my answer in the end. It is a good thing. I'm grateful to be friends with him, and just friends.
xxx
It's because I simply enjoy the time I spend with him. Putting it that way makes it sound as if we go out on dates, but that's completely not the case. I mean the times spent in school, together with our class. We don't have long heart to hearts or anything, but we just joke around and insult each other. The deepest conversation we've had must have been the music one, or maybe about promo grades after getting them back on that day. Regardless, I always thank my lucky stars if we sit next to each other for assembly or breaks because I know he's good fun, a bag of laughs.
And sometimes I catch myself wondering if there could be anything more than that. Short answer is NO, because he's not a Christian. Long answer is my feelings aren't really clear and at the back of my mind there's a niggling thought. Zejian. Frisbee boy. A true blue Singaporean beng. And somehow I like him a little bit.
But I've always controlled these feelings to a tee, with the cold precision I try to apply to all boys. Until last night. We were bantering on Snapchat. I complained that he always says mean things to me (which is true), to which he replied:
lydia
you are really pretty
I appreciate you as a human being
:)
I sat there stunned at the small screen. And a lot of things went through my head. Most of all my heart was beating really fast. I don't think a guy has ever so straight-forwardly called me pretty before, not even Winston. You are really pretty. I was quite speechless.
This morning, I tentatively texted him to clarify things in my own way. He seemed quite blase about the whole thing. He clarified that he does appreciate me- to a certain extent. (I didn't dare ask about the pretty thing.) Which supposedly means it's not what I think it is. He was not trying to confess his feelings, if there are any.
Still, I'm convinced I wasn't totally wrong. Boys don't go around telling every girl this kind of thing, right? Especially when their relationship has been nothing but jokey friends? Do they?
Well, I gave him a chance and he didn't take it, so that's my answer in the end. It is a good thing. I'm grateful to be friends with him, and just friends.
xxx
15 nov; puppy love
Donovan is another silly boy to add to the ranks. I really don't know what it is about me that is so appealing to the other sex- my ditziness (like your girl next door bimbo highschooler), my carelessness, and utter incapability to do things on time? According to Sam who is my only but surprisingly accurate source of information, he's liked me since dance camp. Dance camp! That was in March. So he'd been holding a secret candle for me all this time, which is pretty weird when I think about it because I never knew until rather recently.
He's alright. I will never like him back, that's for sure, because we're too different. He's a 4 H2 PCME kind of guy, and non Christian to boot, but he is funny and gives off this devil-may-care attitude. I like him and think he's cute as a FRIEND. As in, I genuinely want us to be only friends because he's a really good one, like the MD5 boys.
Boys who have crushes on me are all cute in their own way; because to me it's just very internally funny that I'm so horribly flawed and still, these boys feel the way they do. Oh, poor Don. I hope he gets over it and can actually talk to me soon, because I miss the no strings attached company.
He's alright. I will never like him back, that's for sure, because we're too different. He's a 4 H2 PCME kind of guy, and non Christian to boot, but he is funny and gives off this devil-may-care attitude. I like him and think he's cute as a FRIEND. As in, I genuinely want us to be only friends because he's a really good one, like the MD5 boys.
Boys who have crushes on me are all cute in their own way; because to me it's just very internally funny that I'm so horribly flawed and still, these boys feel the way they do. Oh, poor Don. I hope he gets over it and can actually talk to me soon, because I miss the no strings attached company.
23 sep; he lurves you
my sister on the chat between me and him: Am I a beauty?
him: no shit.
him: no shit.
16 sep; daydreamer
After all this one truth still remains. Which is that I have not found someone whom I really like from the bottom of my heart. I say this because from the beginning, I have compared my relationship with gym boy to Janice's with big J. Because I thought we were so similar in conviction that it would parallel and I would always have someone to relate to, someone who could relate to me. But suddenly she started getting serious about John in a way I never have with any other boy in my life. And I didn't notice this until the recent few weeks. Janice and John are actually in love. Like, it is a thing. It will be a thing as soon as both of them are ready. And when it happens it will be lovely, because it is already lovely now, like one of those Hollywood romance flicks.
But no matter what Winston or anyone else does for me it will never match up to what they do for each other. Not even if he brought back the moon. Because I do not love him. I like him. And sometimes for all the wrong reasons. That's the truth. And it's even worse because sometimes I don't even care. I just think about what it would feel like to really, seriously fancy someone and I wonder if that day will ever come. No one has been satisfactory so far.
I think it's God's will. He knows I will keep thinking about these things and not focusing my life on Him and so He'll never give me a boyfie. (Also, this is the first time I'm admitting that: a relationship actually doesn't sound like a bad idea right now. I KNOW. JC is screwing over all my ideals.)
But since I'm quite painfully aware of all of this, I just have to strive in becoming who He wants me to be. And I recognize too that I am so far from being ready. I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to love God. It's in the process. But I cross my fingers that there's a boy out there waiting for me- someone who has a cute smile and yearns for Jesus, and most importantly, someone whom I can grow in loving every day. That's what I hope.
Ly xxx
But no matter what Winston or anyone else does for me it will never match up to what they do for each other. Not even if he brought back the moon. Because I do not love him. I like him. And sometimes for all the wrong reasons. That's the truth. And it's even worse because sometimes I don't even care. I just think about what it would feel like to really, seriously fancy someone and I wonder if that day will ever come. No one has been satisfactory so far.
I think it's God's will. He knows I will keep thinking about these things and not focusing my life on Him and so He'll never give me a boyfie. (Also, this is the first time I'm admitting that: a relationship actually doesn't sound like a bad idea right now. I KNOW. JC is screwing over all my ideals.)
But since I'm quite painfully aware of all of this, I just have to strive in becoming who He wants me to be. And I recognize too that I am so far from being ready. I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to love God. It's in the process. But I cross my fingers that there's a boy out there waiting for me- someone who has a cute smile and yearns for Jesus, and most importantly, someone whom I can grow in loving every day. That's what I hope.
Ly xxx
13 sep; being a fickle minded girl
Means that when I say I have a headache and Winston sprints out of school to buy me some Panadol, I accept it without question. He tosses it casually onto the table, maybe to make it less touching than it is, and I try to act surprised even though I pretty much knew he was going to do it. It's because I like the way it makes me feel- special and gratified and indulged in, since he wouldn't do it for any other girl.
It also means that I ask we swap staplers because his is pink and mine is blue. And oh god, what a stupid bimbo thing to do, but at the same time it is FUN and SILLY like I have never done before.
It also means that I ask we swap staplers because his is pink and mine is blue. And oh god, what a stupid bimbo thing to do, but at the same time it is FUN and SILLY like I have never done before.
6 sep; clean cut, lean cut
Gym boy hasn't given up yet, an update I thought might be timely. He wrote that his feelings would remain "for a long time", and I wonder how long that will be. Because even though I'm still not ready, not close- I like the fact that he can be so unabashed.
He's not those kind of guys who play mind games with girls. I asked him if he liked me. He said yes. And he's been chasing me ever since. No hot or cold signals, no vague or sketchy "maybe" answers that I bet some boys love to dish to us. Winston meets it quite full on, gym-boy style, with flowers in bag and texts sent back immediately, though I take a whole day to reply him just because I feel like it. I tell him to do something dumb like download Fighlist to play with me and he does it right away. Literally. He finds out my locker is jammed and gets it all sorted before I get to school. Honestly, I was turned off by him a month ago, but these things add up and makes other things pale in comparison.
It's very selfish, sometimes. So I try to be nice back while saying things like "no dates" just to put him back into place. There's no space for him in my heart. Not when there's so much that Jesus deserves!!!
He's not those kind of guys who play mind games with girls. I asked him if he liked me. He said yes. And he's been chasing me ever since. No hot or cold signals, no vague or sketchy "maybe" answers that I bet some boys love to dish to us. Winston meets it quite full on, gym-boy style, with flowers in bag and texts sent back immediately, though I take a whole day to reply him just because I feel like it. I tell him to do something dumb like download Fighlist to play with me and he does it right away. Literally. He finds out my locker is jammed and gets it all sorted before I get to school. Honestly, I was turned off by him a month ago, but these things add up and makes other things pale in comparison.
It's very selfish, sometimes. So I try to be nice back while saying things like "no dates" just to put him back into place. There's no space for him in my heart. Not when there's so much that Jesus deserves!!!
8 aug
Just to clarify, most importantly to myself, that I don't like Nick Sim. Truth be told I hardly even KNOW Nick Sim, apart from the bare necessities and my own vaguely formed impressions from what little he's said and done to me.
That being said, I do find him an attractive person, like I find QUITE a lot of people attractive.
That being said, I do find him an attractive person, like I find QUITE a lot of people attractive.
29 july
Janice was telling me on Friday how she and John had a long talk and decided they would see each other more often, but also more maturely, and finally cleared the air on each others' feelings. At one point she told me John said something to the effect of the more I don't see you.....
And it made my heart swoon a little because wow, what girl doesn't want something that romantic being said to her?
I felt a tiny bit wistful- not a tiny bit, quite- because it must feel pretty special to like someone and have that someone like you back. My problem isn't people liking me. I'm not any Cleopatra, or Marilyn Monroe, but there are boys who would want to go on a date, I know: Jovin, Winston, Jarrett and even Donovan now, geez (he never said anything but Jia Qing makes it so bloody obvious whenever he eggs Don on, as if i'm completely blind and deaf.)
The problem is I don't like any of them back. I don't like anyone back, not in that way. All humans are imperfect, and I'm unable to look past their flaws and like them for who they are, including their flaws. And this makes me scared because I'm worried I will never be able to love someone wholeheartedly.
I'm also perfectly aware that I don't have to fuss over these things because they're about the least important matter right now. But it's just hard to avoid thinking about it when everyone around you is getting attached and experiencing lurve, something you've been dreaming about since you turned 13. Even one of your closest friends, who also happens to be a strong Christian and is a total role model for relationships.
In other updates, Nick Sim really irritated me yesterday, but tried to give me a winning smile and wave after school which annoyed me further because he looked cute doing it.
xx
And it made my heart swoon a little because wow, what girl doesn't want something that romantic being said to her?
I felt a tiny bit wistful- not a tiny bit, quite- because it must feel pretty special to like someone and have that someone like you back. My problem isn't people liking me. I'm not any Cleopatra, or Marilyn Monroe, but there are boys who would want to go on a date, I know: Jovin, Winston, Jarrett and even Donovan now, geez (he never said anything but Jia Qing makes it so bloody obvious whenever he eggs Don on, as if i'm completely blind and deaf.)
The problem is I don't like any of them back. I don't like anyone back, not in that way. All humans are imperfect, and I'm unable to look past their flaws and like them for who they are, including their flaws. And this makes me scared because I'm worried I will never be able to love someone wholeheartedly.
I'm also perfectly aware that I don't have to fuss over these things because they're about the least important matter right now. But it's just hard to avoid thinking about it when everyone around you is getting attached and experiencing lurve, something you've been dreaming about since you turned 13. Even one of your closest friends, who also happens to be a strong Christian and is a total role model for relationships.
In other updates, Nick Sim really irritated me yesterday, but tried to give me a winning smile and wave after school which annoyed me further because he looked cute doing it.
xx
13 july; reasons why a girl can't date dick sim
1) He's far too unconscientious about the academic side of school, skipping classes with enough regularity to signal big warning signs that- this guy doesn't take anything much seriously. Including you.
2) He dated and dumped (ah the ol' D&D) Leanne in a span of at most 5 months, being lenient with timing by assuming that they got together at the very beginning of Orientation. I mean, in reality it was probably 3-4 months. And serious enough to post about it on Instagram and consequently have to delete any vestiges of each others presence, like it was some embarrassing incident that we should forget about. Correction: NICK deleted his posts, Leanne didn't. At least she didn't try to pretend they never happened or it was something to be ashamed about.
3) Leanne is the most pleasant and polite girl. Even though she's in the popular clique and is exclusive, as all popular clique people are, when you talk to her she's extremely nice. She gives off the vibe that she wants to know you more, unlike most PCPs. How can I and any other girl get with her ex? If as expected she still cares about him as a friend which I guess a decent person would do?
4) Personally, it's just weird to date anyone who has freshly (or even not freshly- just in the past) given his heart to someone else. I can't imagine doing it, cuddling up to someone and having to wonder if this is what he did with his ex, and if he thinks she's prettier or he'd rather be doing it with her and etc etc. Wouldn't it drive you mad? I couldn't give him my trust. And with that, respect. It could never work out.
Just some musings from today.
2) He dated and dumped (ah the ol' D&D) Leanne in a span of at most 5 months, being lenient with timing by assuming that they got together at the very beginning of Orientation. I mean, in reality it was probably 3-4 months. And serious enough to post about it on Instagram and consequently have to delete any vestiges of each others presence, like it was some embarrassing incident that we should forget about. Correction: NICK deleted his posts, Leanne didn't. At least she didn't try to pretend they never happened or it was something to be ashamed about.
3) Leanne is the most pleasant and polite girl. Even though she's in the popular clique and is exclusive, as all popular clique people are, when you talk to her she's extremely nice. She gives off the vibe that she wants to know you more, unlike most PCPs. How can I and any other girl get with her ex? If as expected she still cares about him as a friend which I guess a decent person would do?
4) Personally, it's just weird to date anyone who has freshly (or even not freshly- just in the past) given his heart to someone else. I can't imagine doing it, cuddling up to someone and having to wonder if this is what he did with his ex, and if he thinks she's prettier or he'd rather be doing it with her and etc etc. Wouldn't it drive you mad? I couldn't give him my trust. And with that, respect. It could never work out.
Just some musings from today.
12 july; the end of it all?
Today I think I finally hit rock bottom. I don't know what exactly happened, but suddenly I am zero percent attracted to Winston. It happened during swim PE, this paradigm shift, it hit me like a meteor from outer space.
Jaimie had gone over to the beginner side, but so had he, and I had no choice but to go over too since Jaimie's my partner. I know he probably didn't mean to be in the same group as me, since he came over before I moved anywhere, but I still felt really weird because that was not my expectation of him, which was
a) to be in the advanced or at least intermediate group, and
b) to go to beginner with a FRIEND, or someone from his class, and not completely alone? Who DOES that??
Okay, the first expectation's unfair since it's just me projecting my stereotypes onto some poor guy. I guess it's unspoken requirement for anyone to be my E.C, like Markus my OGL, the swim captain (insert heart eyes here. He was seriously cute.) and that swimming guy from Weightlifting Fairy. I mean, who doesn't want some dreamy athletic boy to sweep her off her feet?? So that was already like hmmmmmmmm.
And he was alone. Like, actually friendless, cos the only SB6 people in beginner were Vid and this other girl, who had no interest in him whatsoever. And they're kind of isolated from the rest of us as they literally can't swim at all- which is a funny story for another day. Anyway, so it was like whatever image of him I built up in my mind just crumbled, because this is the most vulnerable I've ever seen him: not the guy of my dreams. And hardly the guy of anyone's dreams.
It's so strange because I really can never see him in the same way again. All I felt during that barely one hour was oh god I want to get away get away get away. Whatever attraction I held for him disintegrated in those salty pool waters. Now I can't imagine us going back to where we were before- finding him at the gym, hanging out after Chinese, studying together. At least not in the same way. I can handle being Seriously Just Friends, and that's IT.
Does this make me a mega bloody bitch for ditching my feelings after I realized he can't ever be the man of my dreams? But it was so immediate and strong that I was shaken myself. Kind of still am.
That's that for now...don't know when we'll hear about Winston Lim again.
And for the last line of food for thought, I am actually a bit sad that all this puppy love everyone seems to be getting isn't coming to me as easily as I thought. It seems so innocent and out of this world, to like someone so much you can't see their flaws. I have never been able to do that with anyone.
xxx
Jaimie had gone over to the beginner side, but so had he, and I had no choice but to go over too since Jaimie's my partner. I know he probably didn't mean to be in the same group as me, since he came over before I moved anywhere, but I still felt really weird because that was not my expectation of him, which was
a) to be in the advanced or at least intermediate group, and
b) to go to beginner with a FRIEND, or someone from his class, and not completely alone? Who DOES that??
Okay, the first expectation's unfair since it's just me projecting my stereotypes onto some poor guy. I guess it's unspoken requirement for anyone to be my E.C, like Markus my OGL, the swim captain (insert heart eyes here. He was seriously cute.) and that swimming guy from Weightlifting Fairy. I mean, who doesn't want some dreamy athletic boy to sweep her off her feet?? So that was already like hmmmmmmmm.
And he was alone. Like, actually friendless, cos the only SB6 people in beginner were Vid and this other girl, who had no interest in him whatsoever. And they're kind of isolated from the rest of us as they literally can't swim at all- which is a funny story for another day. Anyway, so it was like whatever image of him I built up in my mind just crumbled, because this is the most vulnerable I've ever seen him: not the guy of my dreams. And hardly the guy of anyone's dreams.
It's so strange because I really can never see him in the same way again. All I felt during that barely one hour was oh god I want to get away get away get away. Whatever attraction I held for him disintegrated in those salty pool waters. Now I can't imagine us going back to where we were before- finding him at the gym, hanging out after Chinese, studying together. At least not in the same way. I can handle being Seriously Just Friends, and that's IT.
Does this make me a mega bloody bitch for ditching my feelings after I realized he can't ever be the man of my dreams? But it was so immediate and strong that I was shaken myself. Kind of still am.
That's that for now...don't know when we'll hear about Winston Lim again.
And for the last line of food for thought, I am actually a bit sad that all this puppy love everyone seems to be getting isn't coming to me as easily as I thought. It seems so innocent and out of this world, to like someone so much you can't see their flaws. I have never been able to do that with anyone.
xxx
1 july
God, 3 months on and things still haven't changed. I still think he's irresistible wearing the varsity jacket and having just showered, but he's really not a good conversationalist- switching topics, going back and forth, not being himself...he still seems lowkey uncomfortable with me which I get secretly frustrated about. At the same time, I keep getting distracted by other boys like Jovin and Zejian. Not because I like them that way, but because I like hanging out with them and I wonder if it makes me "unfaithful" to Winston for being quite accidentally flirty.
I just hope these things will work themselves out with time. For now, I enjoy being a single pringle: the freedom is priceless, and I can't imagine suddenly not being able to banter with other guys just cos I'm in love with one of them.
In romance not involving me, the thing between Janice and John just leaves me smiling everytime. I know it's probably wrong because Janice doesn't want it to be like that, but I don't intend to let her find out that I think THEY ARE THE CUTEST PEOPLE EVER. Not really John. But Janice is an absolute angel, and I guess John is good-looking enough to match up to her. I just love that he's pretty much such a jock person- all tall and sporty, and to be frank I think any girl would be a little bit attracted to him (I was for about 5 minutes during Orientation)- and the person he likes is JANICE. Who is so underrated!!! He likes HER!!! And she likes him too! Jock boy meets amazing artsy girl, they fall in love. It's the most adorable story I ever heard. I really really hope they get together after A levels, that John will wait until Jan is ready. BC I'M ALREADY ROOTING FOR THIS. HO YEAAAH.
I just hope these things will work themselves out with time. For now, I enjoy being a single pringle: the freedom is priceless, and I can't imagine suddenly not being able to banter with other guys just cos I'm in love with one of them.
In romance not involving me, the thing between Janice and John just leaves me smiling everytime. I know it's probably wrong because Janice doesn't want it to be like that, but I don't intend to let her find out that I think THEY ARE THE CUTEST PEOPLE EVER. Not really John. But Janice is an absolute angel, and I guess John is good-looking enough to match up to her. I just love that he's pretty much such a jock person- all tall and sporty, and to be frank I think any girl would be a little bit attracted to him (I was for about 5 minutes during Orientation)- and the person he likes is JANICE. Who is so underrated!!! He likes HER!!! And she likes him too! Jock boy meets amazing artsy girl, they fall in love. It's the most adorable story I ever heard. I really really hope they get together after A levels, that John will wait until Jan is ready. BC I'M ALREADY ROOTING FOR THIS. HO YEAAAH.
15 june
Saw Winston for the first time in quite a while, considering on a normal school term we see each other minimum once a day. He arrived late to our chem consultation (more like MY consultation which he crashed) because his block had a water outage and he had to shower in school. And I don't know what soap he used but at the risk of sounding like a love crazed teenager, it smelled really good. He doesn't even smell like that usually -at all- but it would be fantastic if he did because honestly a nice-smelling person is such a turn on.
But I was slightly disgruntled because it was all okay for him: he could turn up fresh and clean but I was stuck in my stinky and oily state. I've always been. I worried that he cared and hated that I was worried.
Nonetheless, we had a pretty good day, and I think he was happy, because today's the most I've ever heard him laugh. And that felt really nice.
But I was slightly disgruntled because it was all okay for him: he could turn up fresh and clean but I was stuck in my stinky and oily state. I've always been. I worried that he cared and hated that I was worried.
Nonetheless, we had a pretty good day, and I think he was happy, because today's the most I've ever heard him laugh. And that felt really nice.
19 may
We saw each other at the rugby match. I couldn't help wishing that we would become like an American movie when you said the rugby coach approached you 3 times to join the team. I wanted to fit myself into this fantasy somewhere: you, the athletic jock boy, and me the dancer girl. I imagined how it would all go. I'd come for your games and watch you score the winning goal and run up to you after the match because I'm the girl you like. You'd sit at the stupid rugby table during recess, but only sometimes because you're not really hierarchical and you could never abandon Jayden. And then maybe one day I'd wear your varsity jacket like a status symbol, like how the cheerleader smugly drapes her boyfriends' jacket round her shoulders as she saunters down the hallway corridors.
But as soon as I thought all this I knew it was selfish and unacceptable. It's nothing but a fantasy, and it shows how superficial I really am because in the end I still won't like Winston for what he is now- just an ordinary boy in an ordinary CCA trying to get through life like the rest of us. I want him to live his life for me and I have no right to do that. Only God can demand that from anyone.
And if joining rugby won't make him happy then I want that even less. He's such an anything-goes person, but the only thing he's sure about is if that the gym coach says yes he'll go back to train professionally. I asked him what if coach said no, would you join rugby? And he replied I don't know-
So it's only a dream. A dream that should be laid to rest.
But as soon as I thought all this I knew it was selfish and unacceptable. It's nothing but a fantasy, and it shows how superficial I really am because in the end I still won't like Winston for what he is now- just an ordinary boy in an ordinary CCA trying to get through life like the rest of us. I want him to live his life for me and I have no right to do that. Only God can demand that from anyone.
And if joining rugby won't make him happy then I want that even less. He's such an anything-goes person, but the only thing he's sure about is if that the gym coach says yes he'll go back to train professionally. I asked him what if coach said no, would you join rugby? And he replied I don't know-
So it's only a dream. A dream that should be laid to rest.
8 may
I re-read the card where he said he got scared by how special I was and wondered how long that would be true.
He cut his hair over the weekend and was in sudden possession of a varsity bowling jacket. The guys in Chem half-whispered that Jarrett was jealous because he was more handsome than Jarrett. I thought he looked as cute as the first time I saw him, or even more. Things are going awry.
He cut his hair over the weekend and was in sudden possession of a varsity bowling jacket. The guys in Chem half-whispered that Jarrett was jealous because he was more handsome than Jarrett. I thought he looked as cute as the first time I saw him, or even more. Things are going awry.
20 apr
Things that felt good today:
Borrowing $11 for chem TYS from him because I know he carries a ridiculous $200 over in his wallet, I can't think why anyone would bother to have so much cash on hand at any given moment.
He smiled for the first time while saying hi to me.
Him choosing to sit next to me in tutorial even though his best friend Jayden went over to sit next to Zejian instead. It was kind of cool. Other than that, he fidgets ALOT during class and I was this close to telling him to stop moving so much.
Borrowing $11 for chem TYS from him because I know he carries a ridiculous $200 over in his wallet, I can't think why anyone would bother to have so much cash on hand at any given moment.
He smiled for the first time while saying hi to me.
Him choosing to sit next to me in tutorial even though his best friend Jayden went over to sit next to Zejian instead. It was kind of cool. Other than that, he fidgets ALOT during class and I was this close to telling him to stop moving so much.
18 apr
It's strange shuttling between liking a boy, being attracted to him, and suddenly not having any feelings for him. I tried not to be hurt when he changed groups without telling me (an overreaction, ironically: he messaged me later on once he found out) and I don't really know how to feel about that. Am I lying to myself that I can live without him liking me? Or is it the truth, can I get over it?
The whole weekend goes by and I conclude I can never like a guy like Winston Lim. 5 minutes into chem class and I'm wishing we sat next to each other because I want to know more about his cold turkey coffee break.
Is this normal? It's just stupid teenage girl things, isn't it?
The whole weekend goes by and I conclude I can never like a guy like Winston Lim. 5 minutes into chem class and I'm wishing we sat next to each other because I want to know more about his cold turkey coffee break.
Is this normal? It's just stupid teenage girl things, isn't it?
7 apr; being liked in two different ways
|
A GYM BOY-
a force that shapes a soft summer wind which blows around you but nobody really notices. his face betrays nothing and neither does his lips. only by the movement of the breeze can you feel a disturbance in the balance of life in the air. it brings fresh flowers and reassurance and a simple acceptance, things she will grow to like he won't say anything, even if it means the next thousand years of remaining the wind that stays, quietly moving -and anyway, it takes an eon for this wind to form a voice, and return her uninhibited smile. |
THE JOCK
he takes the corridors with an easy lope and laughs wild and free with friends in the bike shed of school kicking soccer balls across the green- score! there goes a goal there they met, then within this guarded boundary him, under the eye of teachers and principals, and classmates watchful gaze her, held back by the thoughts which crowded her heart and mind as thick as summer grass after rain still somehow love found its way among the chinks in the armor. |
5 apr
We're friends and that's a mutual agreement, but I almost touched his hair today and just stopped myself in time to let my hand brush through the air instead.
27 mar; NO.2
Getting pissed at a boy you like is different from getting pissed at a boy.
26 mar; NO.1: 8 THINGS ABOUT HIM
1. He's a christian
2. He plays the guitar
3. He texted me first
4. He asked for my timetable
5. He listens to what I say
6. I feel like letting him follow my private
7. I'm constantly looking forward to the next time
8. Hoooold up.
2. He plays the guitar
3. He texted me first
4. He asked for my timetable
5. He listens to what I say
6. I feel like letting him follow my private
7. I'm constantly looking forward to the next time
8. Hoooold up.
